Diaries Are For Girls, and Guys Named Alfred
by dellums
Summary: Follow resident high school student extraordinaire Alfred Jones through his junior year in the form of slang-ridden diary entries. A story of detention, something that could have been love, something that is actually love, loss, love again, a lot of foreign exchange students for some reason, and very bad humor because I was thirteen when I wrote this, give me a break.
1. My BFF Arthur

**October 5th**

I don't actually know why Kiku is making me write in this diary-journal thing, but he's a fellow BAMF so I'mma do it anyways. He said to "record what happens each day for a few weeks" or someshit. Honestly, I got nothin' better to do.

* * *

**October 6th**

Dear diary-journal thing;

I decided to give you a name today. but I couldn't think of one. I was thinking during Physics today and I guess I MIGHT HAVE STARTED TALKING OUT LOUD TO MYSELF OR SOMETHING IDK, but my stupid teacher said I was interrupting and totally gave me detention. I was in there for, like, an hour with Ivan's freaky sister. She's kinda hot.

I swear, if she wasn't so batshit insane, I'd do her.

So anyway, I'm in there thinking even more about your name and fucking Francis walks in and I wave like crazy and ask him what I should name my diary. He said something French and weird and the librarian pissed his pants and gave us both another detention tomorrow.

Francis had to sit at a different table so I wrote him a note and folded it up in some kick-ass origami airplane thing and threw it at him when the library guy wasn't looking. Except it missed and hit Natalia in the face and for a second I thought she was going to cut me and harvest my organs for her creepy gothiclolita organ-harvesting fest.

But the bell rang and I ran to lunch instead.

I met up with Arthur as usual and we got our lunch together.

Arthur is, like, my best friend. If he didn't always drink tea, I'd probably make out with him 24/7.

He has the softest hair and the most orgasmic accent I have ever heard, mmm.

Eventually, Frenchy and Kiku joined us, and Ivan and his Chinese boytoy, too. I have the coolest homies.

Francis thinks we need to talk to more chicks.

I think he has just gotten bored.

After all, he _has_ tongued everyone at our table. Even Ivan, and that's just weird.

...

Well, sorry, diary thing, I guess I'll come up with a name tomorrow in detention.

But Mattie just came home and I have to bribe him to do my homework for me.

- Alfred Fucking Jones

* * *

**October 7th**

I'm writing this during passing period and I haven't even run into a wall or a person or anything! People are giving me weird looks, though, cuz this journal Kiku gave me has some anime lady on it with giant boobs.

Her hair is green.

I don't think that is her natural hair color. She probably dyed it.

She looks like she is ten years old.

Her mother let her ten-year-old daughter dye her hair green?

And those boobs! How the fuck is she even standing? I didn't think they made school uniforms big enough to cover all that boob! That's interesting.

... They're even bigger than Katyusha's, and holy hell, Kat's are giant.

I think-

* * *

**Later - Still October 7th**

... Apparently I ran into that Berwald guy from Sweden when I was walking and fell down and hit my head so hard on the tile I had to go to the nurse.

Owwwwwww, my heeeeaaaad, dammiiiit.

I want Arthur.

He's supposed to drive me home today and stay the night and play Guitar Hero with me, shit.

I bet if he was here right now, I would feel better.

afdsahgkjcbadfjnd, Arthur, where are yoooouuuu?

On the other hand, I'm totally missing detention right now, eheheheh.

* * *

**October 8th**

Arthur is kind of cute when he is asleep. Aw, look at him on my bed. I don't even care that he is drooling all over my pillow, that's how good of a friend I am. He should feel lucky that I am his friend. If I was not, I would probably slap him or something.

Mom made us breakfast before she left for work, and Dad's on a business trip, I think. Matt already left for school because he's a nerd. I don't think I am going today. I'll convince Arthur to ditch with me. He'll say yes, I'm sure.

I think I'll make tea for him to get on his good side. He's kind of a bitch when he wakes up.

So it's settled then. I grab a tea bag (AHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA) of Arthur's favorite flavor. It's Earl Grey. My mom drinks it to, which is the only reason we even have any because that shit is disgusting. I think everyone should just drink soda.

Oh, I hear Arthur , I think he ran into something.

... Yes, he did. He even swore. Mmm, I like the way his voice sounds when he swears.

I finished making his tea. I even put in the right amount of milk and sugar. I'm very satisfied with myself. Now I'm sitting at the table eating the waffles my mom made and, oh, here comes Arthur.

"Dammit, Jones, why didn't you wake me up? I'm going to be late for school."

"I made you tea."

"... I can see that. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Alfred, why are you writing down what I am saying?"

"Do you want to ditch school with me today?"

He looks pissed that I ignored him, haha.

"...That's because I AM pissed."

"Arthur, you're not supposed to read my diary! What is wrong with you!"

"Oh, shut up."

...

...

"Arthur."

"What do you want?"

"You're acting like a bitch. I think you should drink your tea."

Arthur threw his tea at me. Now I probably taste disgusting. Fucking Arthur. My skin is burning. He'd better help me with this, it's all his fault.

- Alfrizzle

* * *

_A/N_

_Yeah, a diary-entry fic, get over it okay._

_Will NOT end up USUK, sorry to say. Kind of._


	2. What the hell is a Naruto?

**It's still October 8th**

Arthur _did_ help me, because I told him I would cry if he did not. So he did some First Aid thing after I took a shower and I told him that I feel much better even though I really don't.

See? This is why he should feel lucky to have me. I am boosting his self-esteem and he doesn't even know it.

After we were done, we decided to go to the mall and loiter. He bought me ice cream from McDonald's as a way of apologizing for the whole "Tea Incident", but I'm so amazing and nice that I totally shared it with him.

Also, I kind of wanted to watch him lick it.

It's not as weird as it sounds, I promise.

It was actually very sexy.

Especially when it started melting and all that white stuff was on his hands and face.

I offered to lick it off for him but he just told me to screw myself. I kindly turned him down and said that it would be better if he did it for me.

And then he called me a lazy American.

I hope I did not make him too angry.

We just walked around for a really long time afterwards and I think Arthur got angry again because I stopped to talk to a guy selling phones. I pretended like I couldn't speak English and he actually believed me! I was very impressed with myself. I didn't even laugh once.

Apparently Artie got tired or something, though, and so we sat down on the edge of the giant water fountain in the middle of the mall. My ass totally got wet so I moved and sat down on Arthur's lap, except he freaked and pushed me.

Guess where I landed?

guessguessguessguess!

In the water!

It was really cold and Arthur KNOWS that I can't swim, so I am betting he did it on purpose. He laughed his ass off when the security was called and made me follow them.

Fuuuuuck, I never got to finish my ice cream.

-Alfreeeeeed

* * *

**October 9th**

When I woke up, my mom yelled at me for ditching school and getting in trouble yesterday. I pretended like I was still asleep until she said that Arthur was downstairs.

"... Mom, why is he downstairs?"

"I don't know, he just showed up. Why does it matter, I-"

"No, Mom. Why is he downstairs and not upstairs? It is very rude to leave my guests down there alone."

"He's not alone, your brother is downstairs."

"OH GOD MOM, YOU LEFT HIM WITH MATT? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM? ARTHUR RUN, RUN BEFORE HE GETS YOU." I threw the blankets off of me and ran out of my room. I heard my mom sigh behind me, but I just ignored her and slid down the banister like I'm not supposed to.

"ARTHUR, ARE YOU OKAY?" I skidded around to where they were both sitting at the table.

Arthur and Matt looked up from the chess board and Matt blushed, though I didn't really know why, until Arthur rolled his eyes and said "Jones, go put on some pants."

I know he was just saying that for the sake of my brother, though.

Because Arthur totally wanted to check me out.

Pervert.

* * *

**October 10th**

Since Halloween is coming up, Kiku invited me over to his house. I actually don't know what those two things have to do with each other, but it doesn't matter because Kiku is one of the coolest people I know, even if he is kind of an anime geek.

At least he's good at video games.

He made me some awesome Asian food for lunch and he even let me eat it with a fork, too. Man, I love Kiku.

He asked if I was going to dress up for Halloween and I laughed because of course I am. All the cool people do. At first, I had wanted to be a vampire, but apparently they sparkle now. I did not know this. I'm not going to be a vampire anymore.

I asked Kiku what I should be and he suggested some guy named Roxas, or Naruto.

I have no idea what the hell that means.

I told him I would think about it later and then I fell asleep because it was four in the morning and Kiku doesn't have any energy drinks or coffee in his house.

But seriously, why do they sparkle now?

I am so confused.

* * *

**October 11th**

SCHOOOOOL'S

OUT.

FOR.

EVER.

Or for a week or something.

Oh, glorious, glorious Fall Break.

I am so happy I could barf rainbows probably~

Kiku and Arthur and I all went out to go see some scary movie today and I left in the middle

(NOT BECAUSE I WAS SCARED, JUST BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE A LEAK, OKAY?)

and guess who I saw?

Ivan and Yao, totally eating each other's faces in the hallway.

It was great.

I wolf-whistled when I walked by, but I can't actually whistle, so it didn't work as well as I had planned out.

When I got back to the theater, the movie just so happened to coincidentally be over.

Well, darn, I had really wanted to see the rest...

Oh, well, dreams don't always come true blah blah blah.

Since Arthur drove, we dropped Kiku off at his house, where he got physically and sexually molested at the door by his Korean cousin who randomly decided to show up. I laughed as we drove away and Arthur told me that was rude.

I told him I didn't care.

He slept over at my house again because my mom was out getting drunk or something and Matthew was... Well, I don't really know where he was, but he wasn't home.

Anyways, Arthur just got in the shower right now. I think I am going to hide all of the towels and his clothes, ahahah~

* * *

**October 12th**

Holy shit.

Hooooollllllyyyyyy

shit.

I think...

I can't even...

Oh my god, did that really happen?

Dammit, there's a hickey on my neck.

I guess it did happen.

...

I don't even think I can write about it right now.

Oh god.

- Al

* * *

_A/N_

_Cliff-hanger!_

_By the way, there's going to be five entries in every chapter. Just to let you know._

_Also, I do not know why being alone with Matt is a bad thing. I just needed an excuse to use caps lock._

_THANKS TO THOSE WHO HAVE FAVED THIS STORY SO FAR, I LOVE YOU LONG TIME._


	3. OM NOM NOM MUFFINS

**October 13th**

I guess since I never actually gave you a name, it's only fair that I tell you what happened.

ASDADGFFDVHDSAFDFSAG

It was horrible!

...

Okay, well, it was kind of nice..

But then it got horrible! And awkward and I wasn't really sure what to do afterwards because we were both still awake and I'm pretty sure Francis once told me that both people were supposed to "fall asleep in the intoxicating warmth that is their lover's arms~" or something just as gay and, I can tell you right now,

THAT

TOTALLY

DID NOT

HAPPEN.

At all. Not even a little bit.

... Here's what did happen:

Basically...

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT ARTHUR AND I MADE BABIES.

Or we went through the process, at least.

I don't FEEL pregnant, so I guess that's a good thing.

Not that I know what being pregnant feels like.

...

oh shit.

WHAT IF I AM PREGNANT AND I JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET.

DAMMIT, ARTHUR, HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME FOR MY PERMISSION.

UGH.

...

Wait, no. No, we did it on a pool table. I'm pretty sure you have to be on a bed to get pregnant.

Okay, whew. Good.

But anyway.

After we were done fucking each other brainless, he kind of laid down on me for a little. It was awesome. He didn't even mind that I was all naked and sweaty and stuff, or that he totally had an eight ball digging into his back.

He didn't even move to make himself more comfortable.

He is so romantic.

He even told me he liked me a lot.

I "aww"'d

and told him that I wanted McDonald's.

He then hit me with a pool cue and ran away.

What did I do wrong?

- A-A-Allllfredddd

* * *

**October 14th**

Francis is so awesome.

He met me at Starbucks today when I told him I wanted to talk to him. I would love that guy if he didn't randomly start speaking French all the time and get me confused.

I mean, come on, we're in America. Get with the program.

But Francis is one of the most awesome people to talk about when it comes to relationships because he's had so many.

... Well, I guess that could also be a bad thing, but he likes roses and wine (even though he's totally not even allowed to drink it) and stuff, so that must mean something.

Francis doesn't like coffee, but he doesn't drink tea either.

So he got some girly little chocolate latté thing with whipped cream. It actually looked pretty good and I was probably salivating all over the place, but I needed something really strong so I just got a coffee.

And a muffin. Actually, like twenty.

They have mini-muffins now. I don't understand why, but oh damn, that made me happy.

Everything is better when it is miniature.

Well, almost everything.

But the muffins were good and I practically inhaled them, and I must have looked pretty awesome too because Francis had to get up and run away from the table with his hand over his mouth to the bathroom.

I bet he was so amazed and turned-on by my amazing abilities that he just could not stand it anymore.

He probably jacked-off in the bathroom.

Oh, Francis. I thought he had more class than that.

...

When he came back, I asked him if he had ever gotten pregnant on a pool table before.

He gave me a weird look, like I was mentally retarded or something.

"Alfred, I am a man..."

I nodded, very aware of that statement. "Thank you for clearing that up for me."

"... Men can not get pregnant, mon ami (Google Translate says that means 'my friend'. Aww~)."

"Yes, they can."

He made an odd face and it almost looked like he felt bad for me. I don't really know why, though. Nobody has a reason to feel sorry for me!

"No, Alfred, they cannot."

He looked pretty serious. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Well, damn.

-ALFRED

* * *

**October 15th**

Today is the last day of Fall Break and I am feeling rather emo. Matt is still gone somewhere and Mom is at work. Dad's been locked up in his study all day on a stupid conference call with some people that talk way too much and don't laugh enough. I tried listening in on the conversation once, but in the end I decided they all probably needed to get laid.

Adults are sooooo boring.

Arthur wouldn't answer any of my texts because he is a whore, and Francis was in France visiting some people. I didn't even bother checking with Ivan and Yao because those two were probably too deep down each other's throats to hear a phone.

But then MY phone rang, and I knew it was Kiku because I had set his ringtone to some random Asian song.

I hummed along to it for a long time since it is kind of catchy, but he must have gotten tired of waiting because he hung up after a moment.

So I called him back.

"Hey, Kiku!"

"Oh, hello, Alfred-san. I am sorry if my call interrupted you."

I ignored whatever that -san thing was and flopped over on my bed, sighing hugely. "Nah, I'm totally bored today."

"... Excuse me for prying... but why did you not answer your phone then?"

"My phone was being Asian and it amused me."

"... I see..."

"But now that I have a real-life Asian to amuse me, I am satisfied."

"... I am glad I could satisfy you."

Ahahahaaa, he had no idea how wrong that sounded. Fffffff.

"Eto (I think that's Japerrnese for 'um') ... I was wondering if you would like to-"

"GO OVER TO YOUR HOUSE? YEAH, THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME, THANKS FOR INVITING ME."

"A-actually, I-"

"I'll be there in ten minutes, 'kay? Cool! See ya!"

After I hung up on him, I jumped from my bed and grabbed all the shit I would need, like video games and junk food. Kiku has enough video games, but most of them are those stupid RPG things. They're cool for a while, but then they just get all... not-cool. So CoD, it was!

-Al

* * *

**October 15th still~**

Hahaa, he is soooo bad at Call of Duty. It shouldn't be funny how much he sucks, but it totally is.

...

Right now Kiku's helping his sister do her homework. She wears a lot of pink and her sleeves are waaaaaaay too long. Pfff, that would piss me off so much.

Oh my god, what if they got stuck in the car door when she got out at school or something and her mom didn't even notice and just kept driving? Holy shit, that would suck.

Ahaha...

...

I never noticed before, but when Kiku is concentrating on something real hard, he sticks his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.

Aw, Arthur does that too~

How cute~

Awww~

Hahaha, he's still doing it~!

Oh, he's looking over here.

"I am sorry, Alfred-san, I will be done shortly."

I nod, and then notice something.

Kiku's feet don't touch the floor.

Wow, I knew he was short, but I didn't know he was that short.

This is interesting.

I guess the chairs do look kind of tall-er-ish than normal chairs.

Kiiiiind of.

Maybe -

* * *

**October 16th**

It's freaking 3 a.m. right now.

Uggghh, yesterday when I was inspecting Kiku's funky chair, his fucktarded cousin (that Korean molester with the weird name) totally came up from behind and GROPED me.

I was like WHAT

and he was all AMERICAN BREASTS

and then I was like ... WHAT

but he didn't even bother to explain himself or anything and Kiku had to PRY him off of me.

Hot diggity damn, I don't believe I have ever felt more violated in my entire life.

He's not that bad a guy once you get to know him, though.

And once you get over how patriotic he is.

Like, seriously, he fucking claimed that EVERYTHING was invented or discovered or originated in Korea.

That's impossible, stupid.

Everyone knows America makes Koreans. We manufacture them in giant factories and ship them out to Korea.

... Except the communist ones, America doesn't make those ones.

After being groped by Yong Soo one more time and getting apologies hurled at me from Kiku, I went back home, and guess what!

Mattie was back!

He was acting really weird, though.

"Hey, Matt-o! Where've you been?"

"Alfred... I've been home all week..."

"Psshh, good one, Matt~ You were probably out at some wild party, huh? Ahaha, it's okay, you can tell me!"

He then sighed and shook his head and went to his room.

That kid is so odd.

I think he's probably on drugs.

Tsk, tsk.

-The Most Caring, Most Heroic Big Brother in the Entire Universe, Alfred F. Jones

* * *

_A/N_

_Haha, I'm so glad so many people like this!_

_Thank y'all for the faves and alerts and reviews and stuff, xo._

_**IF YOU GUYS WANT, YOU CAN LEAVE A REVIEW SUGGESTING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS, BECAUSE I AM HAVING A HARD TIME DECIDING ALL BY MYSELF!**_

_even if I have not introduced the character in the story, go ahead and hit me up and I'll see what I can do._


	4. Ow, that was my baby making organ!

**Later - October 16th**

Mom came finally came back from work and she had pizza too.

Oh, thank God.

I wouldn't have minded Mattie cooking for me, but he probably wouldn't have because he has decided to PMS right now. And if Matt didn't make me dinner, that would mean Dad was in charge of it, and he's almost as bad as Arthur when it comes to cooking.

Eww.

Oh, oh! Speaking of Arthur.

He's not really that mad at me. I found out he was just really sick and didn't feel like getting out of his bed to find his phone.

Ahahaa, I got him sick.

I don't think it's AIDS. He probably would have killed me if I gave him AIDS, and I'm still alive. So that is a good sign.

One of the awesomest shows was on TV, so I ate my pizza really slowly so that I could watch it.

Matthew sat quietly next to me and pretended like he wasn't watching, but I know he was. Who wouldn't want to watch Jersey Shore? Nobody, that's who!

At one point, a thought hit me, but I waited until the commercial break to think about it.

When a trailer for some new movie came up on the TV, I turned to my brother and asked him where he REALLY was this whole week.

"Al, I told you. I was here the entire time, studying. I have a huge test in Bio on Monday..."

But... If Matt really HAD been home, he would have heard Arthur and I going at it!

OHGOODGOD PLEASE LET MATT BE LYING TO ME.

... He wasn't.

I asked him if anything weird happened.

And he said "Oh, yeah, you and Arthur having sex on the pool table was kind of weird..."

"Matt, if you tell anybody, I am going to rip your balls off."

"I don't think my mind could handle repeating it one more time, anyway."

"Good."

"Yup."

"Uh-huh."

"... Seriously, though, I think you might have corrupted my innocence, Al."

Hm? "Haven't you ever walked in on Mom and D-"

Matthew dropped his pizza in his lap and covered his ears. "PLEASE DON'T FINISH THAT STATEMENT."

I shrugged and grabbed the pizza right off his crotch and shoved it in my mouth.

Mmm, crotch pizza~

* * *

**October 17th**

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, but Arthur said he would kick my ass if I wasn't there.

I wonder why.

Does he have something important to tell me?

What If I got HIM pregnant?

Oh my.

FFFFFFFFF.

I'm totally going to divorce him.

And keep the baby and make him pay me child support. Then I will be rich and I will buy the kid whatever he wants and then I'll get remarried to someone twice as hot as Arthur and RUB IT IN HIS STUPID BRITISH FACE.

...

Have I mentioned that Arthur is my best friend?

Man, I love him.

* * *

**October 19th**

Yesterday was Monday and it was the gayest Monday I have ever lived through.

Remember how I said Arthur wanted me to be at school?

Yeah, well, apparently he only said that so he could kick me in the balls.

WTF.

I temporarily don't love him anymore.

He said he would kick my ass if I WASN'T there, so why did he do it when I clearly WAS there?

Ugh, women.

I don't know anymore.

I spent the rest of the day with Kiku and Francis, who brought along this girl named Michelle.

Well, that's her real name, but she kept saying to call her 'Chelles for some reason.

She's really pretty. Like, prettier than Elizabeta, and Elizabeta is sexy. Taken (by that German kid with the white hair), but still sexy.

'Chelles is always happy.

She's like Feliciano.

I could see them being best friends. If Feli wasn't always with Ludwig, he and 'Chelles would probably hit it off right away.

Aw, that would be cute.

I think they should go out. I am surrounded by too many homosexuals and it's somehow mentally hurting me.

And Arthur. The homosexuals are hurting him too. That's the only way to explain why he kicked me in the junk.

Yes, he has grown to hate men, and took it out on me because I am obviously the manliest of them all, bwahaha!

... I wonder if he will get a sex change because of his newfound hate of men.

Then he would be a lesbian, too.

Maybe he would go out with Elizabeta.

...

Excuse me, I suddenly need to go to the restroom for some strange reason, ahaha...

At least I'm not doing it in Starbucks like A CERTAIN FRENCH DUDE.

* * *

**October 20th**

My World History teacher gave me a test today and I copied all the answers from my main man Kiku.

He usually doesn't let me.

I think my awesomeness is rubbing off on someone~

He even let me borrow a pencil. It smells like his house.

I hope he didn't want it back, because I'm totally using it to write this, hahaha.

* * *

**October 21st**

This week is going by really fast, and I am glad.

Yao and Ivan were suspended for "doin' the deed" on the principal's desk before school, which is the stupidest (yet funniest) thing I have heard for a long-ass time.

And that angry Italian guy, Feliciano's brother, broke his leg playing soccer. Antonio has been out of school since Tuesday helping him, which is sweet, in a creepy almost-pedophile way.

Seriously, Antonio is a junior, and the Italian-oh, Lovino! is a freshman.

At least Yao and Ivan had the decency to wait until they were the same age.

Halloween is coming fast (ahahaa, coming)!

Gilbert's having a party and Kiku and I have been deciding on costumes. It's really hard because there are too many awesome things out there!

I just don't know what to choose!

Oh, and my balls still hurt from Monday.

Fucking Arthur, he did it on purpose.

* * *

_A/N_

_Wow, so, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a while. _

_(Big high-five to **RinxLen Neko** for correctly guessing who will end up with Alfred! I probably made it v. obvious by now... If you wanna find out, you can go look at her review!)_


	5. Paradichlorobenzene

**October 22nd**

WOO-EE-OOH, I LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY

OH, OH AND YOU'RE MARY TYLER MOORE

I

DON'T

CARE

WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT US AN-Y-WAY

I

DON'T

CARE

'BOUT

THAT.

I never thought that Kiku would actually like music where the lyrics were in American instead of Asian, but apparently he does.

It was Saturday and we were at the park and he was teaching his sister how to ride a bike while I screwed around with his iPod.

It was one of those cool new ones with the screen that you can molest with your fingers.

I wish I had one. My life would probably be complete if I did.

I've been hanging out with Kiku a lot lately. At school, we have lunch together. On the roof, because he's really good at picking locks and says that it's relaxing up there. I have to agree, it is pretty damn nice.

Except, on Friday, some kids were playing with a Frisbee on the elementary campus, and I guess they're all on steroids and have giant throwing muscles, because one second I'm all "NOM NOM NOM, WOW KIKU THIS STUFF IS PRETTY GOOD BUT I THINK IT NEEDS SOME KETCHUP" and the next, I'm getting face-raped by a pink Frisbee.

I guess I blacked out or something.

Kiku took me to the nurse's office, and it sucked. Matthew had to take me home because I had the world's biggest headache and Mom and Dad apparently don't care about the well-being of their child.

Or they were at work.

Matthew made me pancakes. They were chocolate chip. I hid the syrup from him, though.

His reaction was excellent.

* * *

**October 24th**

I think it is totally awesome that I left school halfway through the day on Friday, and now I don't have school tomorrow either. It's, like, a Teacher Work Day or something. HAHA.

Oh! Arthur came over yesterday to apologize. He brought me flowers and everything and I kissed him right there at the door. I think I might love him again~ He also invited me to Gilbert's Halloween party.

I feel bad because he gave me these amazing flowers that are blue because they match my eyes (even if that is kinda lame) and I had to tell him I was going with Kiku.

Arthur looked sad.

So I made out with him and I'm so nice I even let him lay on my bed so I didn't smash him into the wall.

He had to leave soon after that because he had to be at his brother, Peter's, football game. I'm assuming he means "soccer", because, fffff, Peter's too girly to be a football player.

I won't blame Arthur though; he's not the sporty-type, so it's okay for him to forget what football is.

* * *

**October 25th**

Holy Jesus, today, Kiku's older brother showed me this thing called "Vocaloids". That shit is creepy. Fucking Asian robots. Robots don't need to sing.

...

I went to Kiku's house today to tell him the good news about Arthur, but he wasn't home. So his brother answered the door and said I could come in, which was probably just because he has to be all polite all the time.

We went to his room 'cuz the guy's pretty cool.

Apparently, Kiku has so much cosplay that he has to keep some of his props in his brother's room. So he has random swords and weapons in there. He's probably secretly a ninja.

Whoa, that's hot.

Soooo, I was still there at, like, seven p.m., and Kiku wasn't. I was kind of having a spazz attack, I admit.

Mom called and said that I had to go home, though, and I was like "MOM, WHAT IF KIKU WAS RAPED."

But she was being all derp and hung up on me, HER OWN SON, because apparently she approves of rape.

I will have to have a talk with her one of these days, that is just unacceptable.

...

Okay, so I snuck out and had Arthur pick me up. We walked around and looked for Kiku everywhere, and guess where he was.

At Ludwig's house.

Ludwig's this gigantic German dude who is a junior at my school. He's Gilbert's little brother and is currently in the pants of Feliciano, my Italian ho.

Not the annoying one with the broken leg and tomato-fetish - his brother, the cute one. Yeah.

So anyway, Artie and I got to the Beilschmidt house, only to find the two Germans completely WASTED. Ludwig had a thong on his head, one that - if I had to guess - looked an awful lot like it would belong to a certain Hungarian sophomore, *cough cough*.

I snorted and was totally about to say something awesome and sexy, but Arthur slapped his hand over my eyes.

BUT NOT BEFORE I SAW KIKU TAKING PICTURES OF LUDWIG LIKE THE WEIRD PERVERT HE IS.

Ugh. Sometimes I wonder why he is my friend, but then I remember that he's amazing and makes good food.

Arthur and I took Kiku back home, and he wouldn't even explain what he was doing. He kept avoiding the question in that way he's so good at and then he laughed when I got pissed off.

Kiku sure does have a cute laugh... He should do it more~

* * *

**October 26th**

Matthew thinks I have the hots for Kiku.

Fffff, as if.

I'm CLEARLY in love with Arthur.

I mean, we do all the things that people in love do; we hold hands and make out and I copy his homework all the time.

Kiku and I are just friends.

And even if I did like him more (WHICH I TOTALLY DON'T)

he doesn't like me back.

So.

...

Well... I guess we do hang out a lot kinda. I even let him wear my totally sexy bomber jacket when he's cold.

His nose gets all red when he's cold~

Even when we share ice cream, and stuff.

It's awesome.

But I don't want him to get sick, or anything! So I always give him my jacket. Ya know, cuz I'm the hero.

I don't want my damsel in distress to get sick.

"Damsel in distress, eh?"

Ugh, guess who that was.

eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh MY NAME'S MATT AND I'M GAY eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh.

"You're the one that had sex with a guy, Al."

Fuckity fuck fuck, I really hate Canadians.

* * *

**October 27th**

Halloween is in FOUR FUCKING DAYS.

I still don't know what to dress up as! Kiku tried to help by throwing a whole bunch of cosplay things at me, and of course, I'm a real man, so I tried them all on.

Even the one with the stupid blonde wig and tiny-ass shorts and weird headphones.

Remember those Vocaloid things?

Yeah?

I guess that was the costume for the incesting-twin dude.

But none of his costumes really helped since I'm not into that shit.

Siiiiiigh.

This is certainly a dilemma.

Oh, by the way, diary.

I think Matt was right.

Kiku kissed me today.

Well, shit, what am I gonna tell Mom- I mean Arthur?

* * *

_A/N_

_In case you haven't figured it out, Kiku's sister is Taiwan, and 'Chelles is Seychelles. Oh, and the older brother in this chapter is Hong Kong and you can ignore any historical/geographical impossibilities, thanks!_

_(*the song in the beginning is "Buddy Holly" by Weezer. I only used it because that's what I was listening to and I needed a way to start out this chapter, wow.)_


	6. Yee Haw!

**October 28th**

I woke up really early today, which was weird already. Like, seriously. It's fucking five in the morning right now. Usually I get up at six or whenever Matt throws a shoe at my face to wake me up.

I don't know what's wrong, but I feel REALLY GOOD today.

Even right after I woke up and usually I'm ready to flip a bitch any time before eleven.

Like I could explode into rainbows and sunshine and daisies at any minute.

What the hell.

So, since I had a shitload of time to kill, I got ready for school and everything and even tried to make breakfast. I kind of failed, though, and just got cereal in the end.

Cap'n Crunch is the motherfucking KING of cereals.

Not to mention the box is sexy.

Maybe I'll be Captain Crunch for Halloween.

Ahahahaa...

Matt came downstairs, like an hour later and had a mini-aneurism when he saw that I was awake and stuff. He said that it was a sign of the apocalypse and I told him his stupid hair was a mess and that he should shut the hell up.

He actually does have TOTAL bedhead in the mornings.

He kind of looks like that exchange student from Denmark in my History class when he wakes up. Only cuter and with longer hair and he's not as much of a douchebag.

I gotta admit, Matt's pretty adorable.

I'm not into all that freaky incest shit like Natalia, but if Matt weren't my brother, we'd be screwing all over the place all the time.

We were already leaving by six thirty, and I swear to god I was smiling the whole fucking way.

Damn, my face is gonna fall off.

After school was over, I decided that I probably won't tell Arthur about Kiku and I yet.

It was weird, because Artie was, like, ALL OVER ME today.

He walked me to all of my classes even if his were in the other direction, and held my hand all the way too.

Of course, I had this stupid retarded disease, so I could only smile and laugh at all his jokes even though I now realize that they weren't that funny at all and he was probably just flirting with me.

I told Matthew because he already knows that I sortakindamaybe like Kiku and he says that I must have selective-obliviousness and that I need to pay more attention to the people I care about.

Who the hell died and made him Dr. Phil anyway?

...

Oh god, it wasn't the real Dr. Phil was it?

I need to Google this!

* * *

**October 29th**

So, Dr. Phil's not dead, but I DID manage to sneak another kiss out of Kiku during lunch today.

I totally made it seem like an accident too.

Ah, I wish I'd taken a picture of his blushing little face~

...

Oh, Francis and Chelles broke up. Which is a shame, because she's, like, best friends with Elizabeta, and Francis is best friends with Gilbert (and Antonio, too).

So I heard Chelles totally blabbed that Francis was a pervert and that he's a manslut and all that shit everyone already knows, and that Elizabeta should cut ties with Gilbert because he's Frenchie's friend, and she listened!

I used to think Elizabeta was cool, even though she's Hungarian and kind of really manly, but now she and Chelles are off the Awesome List.

I never cared much for Gilbert but now I feel bad for the poor guy.

All he does is talk about birds, if he does at all.

It's really weird, actually, and slightly disturbing.

AND NOT TO MENTION THAT ARTHUR STILL WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy to pieces.

He's my homey, mah BFF, my husband.

But the dude needs a girlfriend or something.

I guess I can't really blame him though.

I AM dazzlingly mouthwatering in every way possible.

Trust me, I know how I look from behind when I'm wearing skinny jeans, oddly enough.

Damn attractive.

Mmm-mm.

* * *

**October 30th**

It's about time I figure out a costume.

I really couldn't think of anything for THE LONGEST TIME.

And then I talked to Kiku and he was all "I HAVE NEVER SEEN TOY STORY BEFORE WHAT IS THIS THAT YOU ARE SPEAKING OF DESU?" and my face was probably kind of like

D:

DD:

DDDDDDDDD:

and so I was like "WHAT. KIKU. YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT. TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING."

and I throttled him through the phone and he said no, and we ended up watching it at my house, snuggling all comfy-like and even sharing a gigantic bowl of popcorn.

Kiku really likes salty foods for such a thin dude. Seriously.

Anyway.

We watched every single Toy Story that is out right now, which is like three or something, idk.

But anyway, the greatest idea hit me.

Woody (hahaa, what an unfortunate name) is like... a hero, right?

Right.

And so am I.

I think, that if I dress up like a cowboy, it'll be totally kick-ass and everyone will love me even more than they already clearly do because cowboys get all the ladies and beer and shit.

So I'm gonna do it.

Mattie's going costume-shopping with me soon. I'm soooo excited~

* * *

**October 30th - laterrrrr**

It's totally like eleven p.m. right now and I've been wearing my costume ever since I tried it on at the store. It's so damn roomy~

It even came with these sexy things called chaps, that I don't actually really understand. They're like made of leather and go over your pants and basically cover every single area of your legs and stuff ... except your crotch.

The hell?

What if I get kicked again.

These costume designers obviously did not think of angry girlfriends or British men.

They play soccer, you know. It isn't exactly comfortable to get kicked in the junk by a pissed-off, soccer-playing jerkface who actually won't be a jerkface until I tell him about Kiku and I, probably.

Yup.

That's right, you heard me.

I'm going to tell him tomorrow at Gilbo's party.

He may not like it, but I'm going to do it.

I am determined!

AND DEFINITELY NOT NERVOUS AT ALL OR ANYTHING, Y'KNOW, 'CUZ I'M THE HERO AND I'M REALLY HOT AND STUFF, SO I CAN HANDLE IT.

Hahaha...

"I can handre it."

Kiku's hilarious.

* * *

**October 31st**

It's the night of the party and Arthur's driviiiiiiiing. I don't think he trusts me with his car, even though I've only ever hit ONE person with it. One. That's it. And it was the freaky guy from Iceland, so who the hell cares anyway?

Artie's just super fucking excited, I think.

I am too.

He's dressed up like a pirate, with a giant fancy hat that blocks his view out of the back window so I get to hold it on my lap.

The feathers on it made me sneeze everywhere.

Mainly all over the hat, but Arthur was out of the car getting gas when that happened, so it's cool.

When we finally got there, there was like, a gazillion cars outside. I saw Heracles, the Greek kid in my P.E. class, with tiny cat ears on his head, arguing with Sadiq (I'm pretty sure he's Turkish or something), who was apparently too cool to wear anything except a retarded masquerade mask on his ugly, stupid, stubbly face.

How lame.

I saw Ivan and Yao, too, after we got out of the car. They were ALREADY exchanging saliva like their lives depended on it, and I swear, Ivan was wearing a hat that looked like a fucking panda's face. What the fuck.

Yao totally kind of freaked me out a little bit, even though Kiku told/warned me about his costume... but still.

He was dressed up like that girl from that movie. You know, The Grudge?

I tried to avoid looking at him as much as possible, but I noticed that it totally worked out for him in a creepy kind of way since he looks like a chick anyway.

It was even crazier inside.

The Beilschmidt house is HUGE and even has shit like chandeliers and whatever. I guess their dad directs movies or their mom's a model, whatever, so their loaded.

But anyway, there were soooo many people in there. Feliks was dressed up like fucking Lady GaGa and he had a knight with him that I'm pretty sure was Toris.

Feliciano looked like he was in the mafia (though he was jumping around and smiling a bit too much to actually seem convincing) and his brother... ffffff, he looked like a goddamn tomato.

An angry tomato.

I laughed so so so sooo hard, that Arthur had to hold on to me to make sure I didn't fall on the ground and break my face in half.

Hm, what else, what else...?

Oh, fucking hell. There was a ghost there too.

I almost died, like, eighteen times.

I am not afraid of ANYTHING in this whole entire world.

... except for ghosts.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows that, too.

And someone decided it would be a good idea to dress up like A GHOST.

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

I saw them once, talking to Gilbert, (who was a zombie, which looked kinda cool with his red eyes and shit) probably about birds and whatever, and then the two of them were gone for the rest of the party.

Good fucking riddance, I say.

I didn't find Kiku until Artie and I were already, like, three and a half hours into the party, though, because he wouldn't tell me what his costume was. I was even banned from his room in case I happened to see it, and he said that it was a surprise.

Siiiiiiigh.

...

Yeah, well, it's like fucking three in the morning, after I'm done writing all of this and I'm too damn tired to go back up and change the date, so you can suck it, diary.

I'll write more tomorrowwww~

I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!

- Alfred OUT.

* * *

_A/N_

_**I just wanna say thanks to all the anons because I, shamefully, haven't gotten around to it yet. Your words mean a lot to me, guys! And not just you lovely anons; everyone else's too! You dudes are hilarious and wonderful!**_

_OH AND ONE MORE THING. In retrospect, I feel really really really awful about not telling you guys that the pairing would be Alfred/Kiku from the beginning. I know that not everyone is like me and is cool with every pairing no matter what. I really shouldn't have kept it on the DL._

_I'm glad most of you are at least staying open-minded about the whole thing; it's totally cool of you, wink wonk._


	7. Germans are weird and Matt has a friend

**November 1st**

I feel like I have a hangover. Like my whole body has a hangover, and that hangover has a hangover, and every blood cell in my awesome body has a hangover and it hurts sooooo bad, uggghhh.

SOMEBODY MAKE THE SUN GO AWAY WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT IT'S TRYING TO BLIND ME OOOWWWW.

...

Okay, I'm done with that now. I took a shower and stuff and am totally feeling all better.

Oh, look.

What...?

There is something on my bed. Under my Superman blanket.

I am seriously wearing my thinking face right now.

This is a myster - holy shit, it's breathing.

WHAT THE HELL.

...

I'm going to touch it.

...

Okay, I touched it.

Oh.

Ohhh.

Hm.

Why is Kiku in my bed?

-Alfred-ed-ed-ed

* * *

**November 2nd**

So, I kind of remember what happened on Halloween. Today is now Tuesday, and I'm in detention again (for falling alseep in class), this time with Gilbert and Antonio. Antonio seems very sad that he is not in class with Lovino, and Gilbert is texting someone very sneakily under the table.

His cell phone has one of those girly, dangly charms on the end.

It's a yellow bird.

... Seriously, he's kind of messed up now.

So anyway.

Halloween. Right.

Well, basically:

Arthur and I got there, and walked around a bit. He was not a happy camper, because I told him he had to help me look for Kiku.

I'm not sure Arthur likes Kiku very much, which I don't understand, because Kiku's amazing.

I let him hold my hand, though, and I think that's why he stayed. What a weirdo.

There were SO MANY people there from school. Like Natalia. She was dressed up like Alice in Wonderland. She basically ruined one of my childhood memories.

Oh, and...

Well, Ludwig was drunk and for some reason was wearing a... French maid costume.

(I found out he actually lost a bet, ahaha, what a loser!)

First a thong, and now a maid dress?

Are all Germans this gender-confused?

Arthur hurried us past that scene, but just as we turned the corner, Francis came bounding up to us with absolutely nothing on.

Arthur sighed and sort of blushed and started yelling things at him and I snorted and asked him what the hell his costume was.

"Ahh, mon Alfred~ I am a man with invisible clothes, can you not see?" He winked at me and I laughed even more.

He then dragged Arthur away, and I totally knew that they both wanted it, so I let him and continued my search for my Asian friend in peace.

And then.

Something amazing happened.

I...

saw Kiku.

It was very odd.

And hot.

(The only reason I remember was because he woke up still wearing his costume yesterday, haha~)

He was all flustered and his face was pink and he smiled at me like he was shy or something.

But, my GOD, that was the shortest skirt I have ever seen.

For being so supershort, he sure does have long legs.

He was wearing... well, I'm not really sure. Some shool-girl-sailor outfit miniskirt thing with, like, blood splashed all over the place.

Now, there's a difference between Yao made up to look like the manchick from that Grudge movie and a sexy miniskirt'd Kiku with fake blood and a katana-sword thing.

One is freaky, the other is sexy.

Needless to say, I was all over him in a second.

And then... blahblahblah, boring stuff happened and we walked around and talked to people and each other and stuff.

At one point, I was having a fantabulous time chewing on a chocolate bar that I stole from Berwald when he wasn't looking and holding Kiku's hand and smiling and such, and I totally killed the moment by thinking about the fact that I STILL HAD TO TELL ARTHUR ABOUT KIKU AND I.

Mega sigh.

I told Kiku and he's all "Would you like me to go with you?"

And I was like "Uh, duh."

And so we began our journey to find my British friend.

Since I left Artie with _Francis_, we started in the bedrooms. For obvious reasons.

And from there, it was a piece of cake.

"Look." I pointed down at the ground, where a pile of Arthur's clothes and a pirate hat were sitting, in front of a slightly-open door.

Kiku's grip on my hand kind of tightened and he let out a disgusted noise as the moans and calls of "_Franciiiis, o-oh, Fr-Francis, hnngh, mooore...!_" started getting louder. "Have they no dignity?" he said quietly, blushing and looking away.

So, that's when I decided that I wouldn't tell Arthur then. I would tell him later. As in probably the next day, which was yesterday.

And I still haven't told him.

I'm thinking maybe after school today.

TODAY.

I gotta do it eventually, and if I wait too long, it'll probably just get harder.

Kind of like getting a hard-on.

Ahahahaa.

- Alfred Jones

* * *

**November 2nd - after school**

Om nom nom nom, Kiku tastes like soy sauce and fortune cookies.

It's quite delicious.

...

It is now 3:45, an hour and a half after school ended. Arthur stays later on account of him being a part of Student Council, and Kiku and I have been waiting for him this whole time.

We got kinda bored and I pretended to be all sneaky and used the Yawn Technique(*) on him. He spazzed and dropped his PSP on the ground when I kissed him, and, clearly, that meant he wanted more.

But eventually it got hard to breathe, so we stopped making out and waited some more.

And then finally, I saw Arthur. He smiled and waved when he spotted me and hurried over.

"What on earth are you still doing here? I thought you liked to get out of this 'hellhole' as soon as school was over."

My stomach started being all annoying and stuff and I felt like if I said one thing to him, I would throw up.

He was looking at me like he cared. Like, a lot. Like his world revolved around anything I said.

Sure, I'm the hero and all that good stuff, but that was just too much.

I guess Kiku could tell that I wasn't feeling too great, because he stood up from the bench we were sitting on and told Arthur that we had something important to tell him.

He grabbed onto my hand again and I opened my mouth and

Arthur totally interrupted me.

"You... you guys are..." He made vague motions in the air with his hands and said, "You two are _together_, aren't you?"

Kiku and I exchanged a glance, and I swear I was choking on my own heart or something equally disgusting and couldn't even talk. I coughed a few times, but I was still silently-choking. So I decided to just stand there and frown as Kiku did the talking.

Except he didn't talk. He nodded and blushed and avoided Arthur's suddenly-cold-looking eyes.

And then Arthur looked away too and coughed into his fist, like he does when he's nervous.

"W-well, I suppose this is good, because... Um... at Gilbert's party... er, Fr-Francis and I, we, uh..."

Kiku held up a hand and smiled wearily. "We already know."

"Oh."

At that point, I cracked up right in Arthur's face and told him how he was so vocal that even Sadiq and Heracles could hear him screaming through all their sexual tension.

He smacked me. "You are an asshole, Jones."

"Love you too~"

Arthur smirked and then walked away to his car, waving back at us over his shoulder.

Well, I'd say I handled that like a hero.

- Señor Sexy Face

* * *

**November 5th**

I walked inside my house today and fucking Gilbert pops out of nowhere, like, "HEY THERE, STUPID."

I punched him really hard in the face and he got a nosebleed and has a black eye and I don't feel bad at all.

Apparently he was there working on a project with Matthew for history.

Goddamn freak, jumping out at me. What the hell.

As I'm walking down the hall to my room, he trips me and laughs, and I jump up and tackle him to the ground right away. My dad has to separate us, and then he grounds me for a week.

Screw you, Dad, go get laid or something.

You definitely need it.

- Alfred F. Jones.

* * *

**November 6th**

I snuck out when my dad wasn't paying attention and I went out to see Kiku. Again.

It's like all my time is spent with him, or something.

I don't mind though. He's pretty amazing.

We basically just hung out all day, because we were both feeling kind of lazy, I guess.

Nothing exciting happened.

Oh, well, there was one thing, but Kiku and I are going to play Sims 3 now.

I'll write about it later~

- Al

* * *

_[A/N]_

_Thanks to everyone who suggested the costumes I ended up using; you know who you are, and I appreciate it!_

_(*The Yawn Technique, for those not in the know, is when, say, you're sitting in the movies with someone you sorta like, and totally pretend to yawn. You dramatically stretch your arms up in the air and then bring them down, oh-so-subtly wrapping one around the other person's shoulders. It's super cliché and works, maybe, five percent of the time. By the way, this is me not recommending it. Just... don't embarrass yourself. Please. Don't be an Alfred.)_


	8. Being Canadian should be a crime

**November 8th**

I'm still pretty excited from Saturday.

Oh Diary, you have no idea what happened!

It was magical a-and...

GOD, Kiku is too cute.

He told me that he loved me! Can you believe it?

I basically had an orgasm all over the place~

I can't help myself sometimes when Kiku says things like that and blushes at the same time.

He gets all pink and bothered and stuttery and I feel like the luckiest dude in the world.

And then, after he said he loved me...

I'm such a smooth guy, that I took the liberty in learning how to say it back in Japanese.

And I told him.

And he was sooo happy.

Ah, I can still feel him and taste him and even smell him, as stalkery as it sounds.

Kiku has a very distinct smell.

It's kind of like mint or rain or sunshine or something, Iunno.

It turns me on.

Speaking of being turned on, I convinced Kiku to keep that costume.

He was all "Um, Alfred, it berongs to my sister" and I was like "Yeah, but you totally make a better slut" and I think he agreed with me, because it's hanging up in his closet riiiight now.

I can see it from where I'm laying.

Oh, we're doing homework, by the way.

Or Kiku is, and I'm waiting so I can copy it.

He seems excited that I'm still writing in you, Diary.

Even if I did draw a mustache and dreadlocks on the girl on the front, and name her Juan after that Cuban guy in my math class. God, I hate that dickwad.

He smells like cigars and unwashed hair, ewwww.

-aLfReD f. JoNeS

* * *

**November 10th**

Matthew's getting on my nerves! He's bragging all the damn time, make it stoooop!

...

"So, you and Kiku are going out, eh?"

I peek up over the shirt I am busy inspecting, to see if I can wear it to school, and stare at him because sometimes he is mentally impaired. "Well, what gave you that hint?" Was it when he saw us smooching up a storm or when I burst into our house the other day, screaming "KIKU AND I ARE GOING OOUUUUTTT~!"

Matthew shrugs and laughs and says "Called it. Looks like I understand you more than you do yourself."

I throw the shirt on my bed and cross my arms. "You're just jealous because you're Canadian and no one loves you because you were adopted."

He then raises his eyebrows at me. "Alfred, _you're _the adopted one."

"Candian."

"Moron."

"Ugly."

"Homo."

"Bastard."

"_Orphan_."

"UGH, Canadian!"

"You already said that." Then he does that really annoying thing where he smiles at me over his glasses in that stupid, smug way of his that makes it seem like he's smarter than me when everyone knows he's not.

And then the doorbell rings 54 zillion times and I _know_ it's Gilbert because

1) He's over at our house almost every day to take Matt to school,

2) I can hear him saying "THE AWESOME ME IS HERE, MATTIE" in his douchebaggy accent,

and 3) Matthew runs down to answer the door like he'll die if Gilbert has to stand outside for one more second.

...

And that's basically how my life has been at home.

I don't understand why Matt has to be such a pain in the ass sometimes.

* * *

**November 18th**

WHOA, it's been like 8 days since the last time I wrote in you! Sorry, Diary, guess I got a little busy with things.

... Okay, not really. I kinda... er... lost you.

The short version of the story is that I went camping with Arthur, who brought Francis along.

Arthur said I could invite Kiku and I did, and Francis at one point apparently didn't get laid hard enough the night before, because he was perving all over my Asian lover, saying things about "Authentic French-kissing lessons" and I got kinda Hulk-angry, only less green and with more clothes.

I guess I mighta thrown some things at him.

And this is where You come in, by the way, Diary.

You hit him right in the French face and gave him a bloody nose!

Unfortunately... it took me the whole rest of the trip to find you, and then my teachers decided to shove homework and tests down my throat when I got back and now here I am! Finally~

I feel kinda bad, because Francis is still one of my friends.

But Kiku seems to have enjoyed it, so I don't really mind.

Ahh, that reminds me. It's been ten whole entire days since he told me he loves me~ I know I'm acting kinda girly and fluffy about the whole thing, but I've never actually liked someone this much!

I don't know what the hell it is about Kiku, but he's different from all the flings I've had, and even from Arthur. In fact, I don't know if what I had with Arthur can even be called a "thing" compared to Kiku and I.

Sure, I screwed the guy and I still love him and his smexy Britishness, but I've never thought about _marrying_ Arthur. (except that one time where I thought he was pregnant, but that doesn't count because... um... b-because... well, ah... ANYWAY.)

Is that weird? To want to marry Kiku, I mean.

...

Ahaha, jeez, what's wrong with me? Matt needs to stop TiVo-ing all his gay chickflicks, really. All the estrogen is fucking with my head.

* * *

**November 19th**

My mom's one of those ladies that likes to impress everyone she knows, so Arthur and his family are coming over for Thanksgiving. But they always do, so whatever. They're like family to us, anyway. And Francis really _is_ family (he's like Matt's cousin or something) so he'll be there too.

I think he's over the whole Camping Incident already, because if not, he'll probably say something about it at Thanksgiving just to get back at me and if Mom and Dad find out about me and Kiku...

I don't think they're against Asians or gays. I think they just don't want me to be happyhappy. They'll probably say he's a distraction or something!

And what would I do without Kiku? I can't even imagine how horrible that would be!

MY LIFE WOULD HAVE NO MEANING ANYMORE.

Who would I play CoD with? And where on earth would I find someone as cute as him to dress up like a slut - I mean... schoolgirl for Halloween?

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

* * *

**November 20th**

I spent the whooooooole day sucking up to Frenchy. I really don't want him to tell my parents about Kiku.

Though, I wish I'd hung out with him before, so that I could have gotten used to his personality.

The dude has a sex-drive that takes up more space than the population of China. And his ginormous ego doesn't help either.

skgnamfcpWOKF,AFKVlqfj;;

I don't think my ass has been grabbed so many times in one day!

He even watched me in the dressing room when we went to the mall.

It was kinda like "Ohohohoo~ Bonjour, Alfred, my sexy American ;D "

"HOLY FUCKING FUCK ON A STICK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" And there was a little flailing and covering of my overwhelmingly attractive shirtlessness on my part.

"Restraining myself from making love to you."

"GO AWAY."

"Only if you come with me~"

"... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... hahaha.. eheheheh... you said 'come'."

And then he started laughing his freaky French-rapist laugh and all was good between us until we said goodbye and he kissed me on the cheek and winked.

I blew it off as a random European Thing, and wondered how Arthur could deal with him all the time.

- Alfreeeeeeed.

* * *

_[A/N]_

_You guys are rad ;o_

_I like Cuba; not sure why his name is Juan in this fic, though._


	9. A food fight on Thanksgiving and tampons

**November 22nd**

Today's Monday.

Uggggggghhhhhhhh.

Whoever invented Mondays can go to hell five times.

But, I guess it's a good thing that I only have school today, Tuesday, and Wednesday,

because...

THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING.

HELL YEAH.

I LOVE Thanksgiving like whoa.

My mom makes the best food, and it's even better when Mattie helps her, because I get to sneak into his room while he's busy and fap all over his porn stash.

I mean seriously, he keeps it under his bed like every other teenager in the world.

I'm pure and innocent so I don't have a secret porn stash; I just steal Matt's.

He is so lucky Dad doesn't have time to look for it, tsk tsk.

But anyway, the whole reason I'm writing this is because Francis and his family are coming over.

I think he knows that I don't want him to tell anyone about Kiku. Or at least I hope he knows.

See... Francis is someone who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut.

When he and Chelles were still going steady, she told me that he liked to hear his own voice.

I can testify for that.

He could talk for hours without even knowing what the hell he's saying.

That's why no one ever tells him any of their secrets.

Matt said that I should just wait and see what happens, but I think he was just trying to shut me up while he was baking cookies like the manly sack of testosterone he is.

I'd better go see if those cookies are done...

- A.F.J!

* * *

**November 25th**

Ah, Thanksgiving.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I could already smell the turkey and stuffing and everything else from my room.

Mom and Matt finished cooking early because girls do weird shit like that, and Dad even got the day off.

I don't think we're having people over until lat -

...

Okay, so my aunt showed up early and hugged me for like an hour. I was drowning in her boobage. I will never take oxygen for granted _ever again._

Lalala, Francis and his stupid family showed up a little while after my aunt and then my grandparents and cousins and whatever after that.

Francis has been flirting all over the place with Matthew, which I think is really weird because, dude. They're cousins. I don't think it's that Francis is incestuous; I think he just hits on anything with a pulse.

...

Mmm, okay, so dinner is over. It was so amazing I almost peed in my pants a little~

There was turkey (obviously), and stuffing with some... I don't know, something delicious in it. And cranberry sauce, too, but I'd rather gag myself with a spoon or a sombrero than eat that shit. And there were a trillion different kinds of vegetables which I "accidentally" knocked into the trash can, thus saving everyone from broken taste buds or something.

Ummm... oh! When Matthew wasn't looking (I think he was talking to Francis, actually), I poured, like, forty pounds of gravy all over his mashed potatoes, ahahah~

I think that pissed him off, though, because he sneakily took a handful and shoved it down my shirt when Mom was distracted.

Things... kind of just went downhill from there, and, well... Matt and I were sentenced to cleaning the dining room after everyone left.

But I'm so smooth that I promised him all of my allowance for the next week.

... I don't think he knows that neither of us are getting allowance for a month~

...

Well, at least Francis didn't tell anyone about Kiku.

- Alfred unF. Jones

* * *

**November 30th**

Man, all my teachers won't shut up about Final Exams. Pfff, so boring.

Kiku invited me to his house to study, but I already promised Arthur that I would go play the new Call of Duty game with him after school.

Besiiiides, I think it's been too long since Artie and I hung out. Sure, Kiku and I are red-hot lovers, but Arthur's my best friend. I mean, we impregnated each other, I kind of owe him a slice of the sexy that is myself, don't I?

Also, I kind of want to see his mom again. She is _caliente~_

Well, guess I'll be going then!

- Mister YummyPants

* * *

**December 16th**

Basically, I was grounded from everything until Finals were over.

I guess my mom has a problem with the destruction of public property and streaking. Also in public. At the mall, to be exact.

Mehh, as Arthur said: _At least it was fun while it lasted._

I think he and I should hang out more often~

...

OH! OH! OH! It's almost Christmas, Diary~

And I got you a gift too! Better than a gift, actually; I got you a name, since I decided I'm much too manly to be calling you "Diary".

Are you ready to hear it?

Of course you are!

Okay.

Your name is:

William McSexysteinington Hotpants VI.

_I_ think it's rather fitting.

So, that's one gift down, and only... a lot more to go.

* * *

**December 17th**

I have just found the most amazing thing anyone has ever invented! I don't know who came up with this thing, but they were probably American.

It's a tampon gun!

At first I was going to make one and give it to Matt for Christmas, but this is just too awesome!

I'm going to keep it for myself and just use Matt's tampons as ammo since he probably has a lot of them.

Wow, this is great!

I think I'm going to get Kiku to help me make this. he's Asian and good at oragami and making stuff, so it shouldn't be a problem!

...

He said yes~

...

Oh, man... I just realized... I have to get Kiku a Christmas present.

Well, this is a problem..

- Alfredo Sauce

* * *

_[A/N]_

_It literally took me an entire month to write this, oh my god, what the hell._

_(* tampon guns are real, guys! Here: www*tamponcrafts*com/gun*html That should work... You know the drill! Just replace the asterisks.)_


	10. All I want for Christmas

**December 20th**

Yesterday, Matt went shopping with me. Christmas is in five days! FIVE DAYS.

Seriously I'm having, like, a major spasm. I don't know what anyone wants!

Well, except my parents. I got my mom a bottle of wine (thanks, Ludwig! The fake ID worked like a charm!) because she's secretly a drunk, and I bought my dad a watch with the money he gave me for allowance.

That's all they're getting from me, though.

I am kind of upset at them.

The reason?

I am grounded.

APPARENTLY going to the park with a tampon gun and shooting ice cream cones out of little kids' hands is "a bad influence" or "immorally wrong" or something, idk.

So yeah. I'm not allowed out of the house un-supervised anymore.

And Dad threw my gun into the fireplace.

Like.. right in front of me too.

Clearly, he doesn't have a heart.

BUT ANYWAY.

Christmas is all about happy, cheerful stuff, and so I'm expected to talk about happy, cheerful stuff.

Like I was saying, Mattie and I went to the mall to shop for Christmas presents. I'm really having a hard time thinking about what to get for Kiku, which is why I'm trying not to think about him.

It's a lot harder than I would have thought.

I mean, just... he's... so, like... _awesome_. And everywhere I go, I see him.

Most of the time, it's just a girl with short hair that I see from behind..

But then my mind starts to wander and all I can think about is Kiku!

He's giving me a disease!

... And there I go again, thinking about him.

Ugh, no brain! No! I need to think of something else..

Oh, okay!

So, I think Matthew has a crush on someone.

At first, I thought it was Kat, but then I realized that Ivan would kill Matt if he liked her. So then I figured it was Lili, right?

Wrong.

Not only would Vash castrate Matt too, but Lili's going steady with that one kid... The one I hit with Artie's car once. He's from Iceland or something.

So after that I went through a list of all the available chicks at school, and the only one we both know is Natalia, but dear lord, Matt doesn't have the balls to like her.

So I'm confused.

I'm sure I'll find out eventually but it's just driving me CRAZY.

He'd better confess soon though. It's almost Christmas, and he has to get a gift for his special someone!

- Al

* * *

**December 23**

Okay. So I've got everyone's gifts down.

I got Matt that video game he wanted, and a bottle of syrup.

And I got Arthur that nasty tea that he likes, as well as an eyebrow razor. I'm sure he will love it.

I got Francis an "English for Dummies" book.

Yao and Ivan were a little more difficult, but in the end I just decided to write "get a room" on a piece of paper. I also took the liberty in drawing tiny vodka-drinking panda bears with sunflowers all over it.

... aaaand that's it for the people I actually care about.

.. Except Kiku.

Dammit, it shouldn't be this hard to get him a gift!

I really thought about it, too.

I wanted to buy him Toy Story since he really seemed to like it that one time, but it didn't feel _right_.

And any video games and anime were out, because he probably owned all of them anyway.

I thought about gift cards, but Matt hit me for even contemplating that.

When Francis and 'Chelles were still together, he used to bring her things like teddy bears and chocolates all the time, but I'm not sure Kiku would like that.

It really doesn't help that he doesn't show very many emotions..

This boy is going to be the reason I end up in a mental institution, I just know it.

- **Alf**kajgfnkjfdsn**red**

* * *

**December 24th**

Christmas Eve!

Today was the day for everyone to hand out gifts at school.

It was really nice, actually, because there was hardly any class today.

During lunch, everyone pretty much finished giving out their presents. I got really cool stuff. Like these awesome headphones, and McDonald's gift cards and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Since it was a half-day, school ended right after lunch.

I decided to walk home with Kiku because he seemed lonely and I missed him like whoa.

As soon as he grabbed my hand, I blurted out that I didn't get him a present.

"And I'm really, really sorry about that too, I mean I tried really hard but I just had no idea what to get for you because you're such a confusing person, you know? You probably don't know that, but it's true. I even made like a whole list on possible gifts for you, and there was a graph and a pie chart too, and I know I had to do division a few times, but-"

Kiku laughed at me and squeezed my hand lightly. "It's alright, Alfred. I didn't get you anything either... I suppose we both had the same problem..." He got kind of quiet after that and frowned.

"Really? Well, that's great! Now I know I'm not a bad boyfriend." I sighed in relief and swung our hands back and forth as we walked.

"Of course you aren't!" -insert adorable pouty-face here- "But.. as soon as your parents un-ground you, do you think it would be alright for me to, ah.. t-take you out to dinner..? As a late gift, you could say.."

My face probably ripped in half with how big my grin was. "Okay!"

"Good." He smiled at me then and stopped at his house, taking his hand out of mine to get his key. "So.. it is a date, then?"

I nodded my head off and kissed him on the cheek before skipping away in such a way that only a true man would be capable of.

- Alfred :D

* * *

**December 29th**

My insides are probably melting right now oh my god oh my god how am i going to deal with this i've never actually been on a date before hoooooly crap what am i supposed to wear?

I'M FREAKING OUT.

My parents let me off the hook on Christmas, so I told Kiku, but the only day we both could get together was tonight and I've _literally_ been standing in front of my mirror for one hour, thirty-seven minutes, and twelve seconds, trying to flatten the stupid strand of hair on top of my head.

It isn't working.

And to make matters worse, it is currently six o'clock, meaning I'm supposed to meet Kiku at a restaurant in half an hour and I TOTALLY forgot the name of the place!

What the hell!

Screw me.

* * *

**December 30th**

Alright.

So everything worked out in the end.

Apparently, I'd told Matt about mine and Kiku's date, so he knew where it was.

And to stop me from running over some innocent civilians or crashing into a mailbox and dying, he kindly offered to drive me there.

Once I got inside, I was pretty much dead already and probably sweating really unattractively all over the place.

Kiku didn't seem to mind, though.

I found him sitting at a table right in the middle of the restaurant and instantly made my way over so I wasn't standing too long. I was afraid I was going to fall over.

On my way there, I accidentally ran into someone else's table and knocked somebody's glass of wine over. The lady screamed at me that I got wine on her dress, so I took that as my cue to dive for the empty chair in front of Kiku.

Who was laughing.

At me.

"Um, hello," I said in a totally not-shy way at all.

He smiled again. "Hello."

...

"So, umm... hi. I mean.. we already said hello. Uh, I meant to say that I, um.. I like your... socks."

"My socks?"

I nodded as he looked under the table at his feet.

"I am wearing pants, Alfred.. You can't see my socks."

"Oh. Right."

And then he laughed again. "You can relax, you know. You do not have to be nervous."

"I'm not nervous why would I be nervous you don't know what you're talking about Kiku, I'm not nervous at all."

"... Of course you aren't."

From that point on, everything started getting better. In fact, the whole night went perfectly, if you don't count the time I accidentally squirted ketchup in our waiter's eyes, or when I kind of hit a little girl in the face when she was walking past our table to go to the bathroom.

... Yeah. If you ignore that, it was great.

After that, we just walked around at the park nearby. It was quiet and dark and I was _a little_ scared. But as soon as we got back into town, we got ice cream and he drove me home and I told him that he was awesome and he said "likewise" and then we hugged and smooched and I went inside and fell asleep.

That was pretty much my whole night.

And tomorrow is New Year's Eve!

I think it's going to be fun~

- alfred f . jones

* * *

**January 1st**

Arthur invited some people over to his house for New Year's to watch the ball drop in New York.

It was a lot of fun since his parents were gone.  
And... I gotta admit, having Gilbert there did liven it up a lot.

But he kept asking questions about Matt.

Which is weird, because who cares about him anyway?

Eventually, I got tired of listening to him ask about my brother, so I called Matthew and told him to get his scrawny ass to Arthur's house right that minute because the albino freak was looking for him.

I figured it wouldn't work, because Mattie's not much of a party-person.

But as soon as I said Gilbert's name, he told me he was on his way and hung up.

Kiku couldn't make it because his sister was sick and he had to take care of her, which was laaame.

But I did get to spend time with Yao, who, FOR ONCE, wasn't inhaling Ivan's face.

Ludwig dropped by sometime around midnight to pick up Gilbert, who had passed out drunk on top of my very uncomfortable-looking brother.

Matthew left shortly after that, but Ivan had fallen asleep on Arthur's couch next to Yao, I was very content lazing around with Arthur's laptop on his bed, and Francis seemed to be enjoying his time making Arthur angry.

Normally, I would have helped him, but in my defense, some srs shit concerning Feliks, a goldfish, and some nail polish was going down on Facebook.

It was great.

- Alfred!

* * *

_[A/N]_

_Anyone else feel like I've been gone for three months?_

_For these next few chapters, I might add another entry or two just to get back up to speed. A lot has been happening to me lately, so it might take a while to catch up with the actual date.. __And I know it's probably weird to read about Christmas and New Year's Day when Valentine's Day is right around the corner... just bear with me, okay? Thanks, you guys rock._


	11. Life is like a vacuum because it sucks

**January 3rd**

I've got a bad feeling about this.

I really really do.

At this very moment in time, Gilbert is at my house. I walked in and, BAM! There he is.

Flipping through the channels on our TV.

I kind of snuck past him in the ninja way that Kiku taught me and ran like a mofo up to Matt's room.

After totally not knocking down his door or anything overdramatic like that, I found him standing in front of his mirror and doing his hair.

_**DOING HIS HAIR.**_

Matt never does his hair. Matt gets up in the morning, rolls out of bed, makes us breakfast, waits for me to eat my pancakes, and then his, and drags me to school.

He doesn't have time to do his hair.

He doesn't care.

I'm worried about him kind of not really.

I have my own problems.

Like Gilbert being in my house seriously will someone tell me why he is in my house oh my god he's watching Desperate Housewives, I can hear it through the walls.

* * *

**January 4th**

I have a shit-ton of homework today. Like MOUNTAINS of it.

My teachers must secretly hate me.

I don't know why.

It's not like I'm obnoxious or anything.

I'm perfectly normal.

* * *

**January 6th**

..

I think Kiku and I had our first fight today.

Hohmygod.

Basically it all started in science today, because I didn't have a pencil. So I asked the teacher chick if I could borrow one, and she yelled at me for being unprepared all the time or something I don't know.

But she gave me one anyway because I'm amazing and totally dazzled her like that one Edwin or Edmond or whatever guy in the Twilight books.

So yeah. Halfway through my hypothesis, Francis missed the note that Antonio had thrown at him from across the room, and it smacked me right in the face.

I kind of screamed and flew out of my seat and guess where my face landed?

Right.

In.

Kiku's.

Lap.

Yeah.

So he got all blushy and smacked me and he got angry at me for being indecent. I TRIED to apologize, but I don't think he was listening and the teacher was giving me a detention.

Then the bell rang and we left and right now I'm in History. I don't get to see Kiku again until after school!

I hope he isn't still mad at me.

* * *

**January 7th**

I didn't get to see Kiku at all after school yesterday!

Matthew said he was avoiding me because I'm a suckish boyfriend.

I really hope that's not true.

Speaking of Matthew.

I caught him making out with Gilbert behind the cafeteria today.

I'm pretty sure he's gay.

If that's true, I feel bad for Mom and Dad, ahaha..

* * *

**January 8th**

Kiku isn't answering any of my calls or text messages oh my god he hates me he totally hates me dammit!

I messed up.

I even went over to his house, but he wasn't there. His brother answered the door and told me so himself.

I wonder where he could be..

BUT ON TO BETTER NEWS.

Arthur and I are partners for this new history project or whatever.

I don't even know what we're supposed to do.

But he's coming over later to pretend to do research.

This should be fun~

* * *

**January 9th**

...

Okay, so Saturday wasn't as fun as I thought.

Arthur was either texting or IMing Francis the whole time on Facebook.

I DID manage to beat his high score on Halo though~~

I'm almost 100% sure Arthur likes Francis, but he's always angry when he talks about him.

Sometimes I don't really understand people.

Especially not Arthur.

And I don't think he's been using the Christmas gift I got him.

His eyebrows are just as ginormus as ever.

* * *

_[A/N]_

_I totally spent my lunch money on the Grease soundtrack today._

_I've clearly got my priorities in order._

_Bad things are kinda happening to Al in this (short, short, sorry it's so short!) chapter, huh? Hm, maybe things will get better. Who knows._

_This is the worst, most disjointed author's note I have ever read, what is this._


	12. I'm in a glass case of emooootion!

**January 13th**

Arthur and me paid Toris to do our history project.

He's this little freshmeat guy that kinda looks like a girl. Ivan had this huge thing for him before Yao transferred over, and now Feliks is Toris's best friend and I think they might be gay for each other or something I don't really know.

All I know is our project will be awesome and Toris really doesn't charge as much as he should.

Today me and my favorite Brit went to the mall and it was really fun because we ended up at a lingerie store somehow.

But that's not even the best part!

...

Gilbert was there!

My whole face kind of melted off when I saw him poking at some... THING made completely out of black leather and frilly lace.

And then.

All of a sudden,

MATT calls out from the dressing room, telling Gilbert that he was having trouble with the buckles in the back, and the albino freak just SLITHERS under the door, and that's when I smacked Arthur for laughing and dragged him away.

I will never let Matthew live this down!

And Gilbert too.

The kinky weirdo.

* * *

**January 16th**

I've been texting Kiku over and over and over because I haven't seen him since the Face-Crotch Incident, but he never replies!

Well, okay, I texted him that I loved him once, and all he said was

_):_

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Does my love go unrequited?

Gahh, I'm so confused!

And he doesn't talk to me in any classes anymore. He doesn't even look over at me in the middle of a lesson and then look away when he finds out I saw him being a creeper! I...

I miss him so much!

I have no idea what to do!

I shall ask ChaCha for advice.

* * *

**January 17th**

"_Be mysterious: Don't be available all of the time. Not only to play games, but keep up with ur interests and friends 2."_

What?

ChaCha, you have failed me! I don't even understand what you are trying to tell me. Am I not supposed to play games? And how the hell is being unavailable the same as being mysterious? YOU ARE NO HELP.

* * *

**January 20th**

Matt and I are watching Ponyo. I WOULD be texting Kiku, but I dropped my phone in a bowl of soup and now it's spazzing every time I try to turn it on.

"Matt?"

He munches some popcorn before answering and my heart immediately explodes when it reminds me of Kiku's love for salty food. "Huh?"

"Why were you trying on lingerie for Gilbert at the mall?"

He doesn't even ask how I know. Just gets straight to the threat: "If you tell anyone, I swear I will find that giant monkey from King Kong and -"

"Yeah, yeah, just answer me this - are you two going out?"

"Oh. Well, yeah. ...I think. I didn't really ask... I'm pretty sure we are."

Huh. "Are you happy?"

The he looks at me real weird like I've decided to get all mushy and sappy on him, which I would never do, because Ponyo's in the middle of a giant tunnel and turning into some kind of human-sized chicken-fish and Matt's my brother, so it just doesn't seem like a good time.

"Is Kiku still ignoring you?" he asks and I nod a little. "Have you tried actually TALKING to him? Like in person?"

And I give him the most sarcastic glare I can manage even though I think I'm about to cry. "Wow, what a brilliant idea, Matthew! Talk to him? You're such a fucking genius. Why didn't I think of that first?" I cross my arms and stare at the TV.

Matt elbows me in the arm. "I'm just trying to help, eh? Calm down."

"Why do you care anyway?"

He shrugs, stuffing another handful of popcorn in his mouth and I cringe. "You're my brother. It's weird when you're all emo and depressed. I want you to be happy again."

"... Mattie..."

And then I started crying.

* * *

**January 22nd**

Heracles and Sadiq.

I am currently sitting on a bench at the park watching them fight over Kiku. MY Kiku.

I don't like it one bit.

I might be okay if Heracles wins this little war, because he'd be easier to beat up. Sadiq on the other hand... Well, he has facial hair.

I don't really think I need to say more.

Anyway. The three of them are all bundled up and the two not-Kiku ones are pulling the love of my life back and forth, trying to keep him away from the other. Poor Kiku looks so uncomfortable. I think he's probably thinking how he'd love to go all ninja on those two and kick their asses.

I really hope he does but I doubt he will.

Oh. Ivan's here too. Yao went back to China for the weekend and Ivan's all angry and sad. So I invited him to help me stalk... er... yeah, stalk these three.  
Ivan's not really doing anything except pouting and having a giant nose and drinking something out of a bottle that I'm pretty sure is not water.

"Ugh that bastard totally just grabbed Kiku's ass! I can't believe him. Ivan, are you seeing this?" I rage, flailing my arms about angrily.

Ivan simply grunts and tightens his scarf around his neck.

"Oh. My god. Dude. Dude! Heracles just ruffled his hair. He RUFFLED Kiku's HAIR. Nobody's allowed to do that except me!" I'm so angry that I think I'm probably melting all the snow around me or something.

Ivan sighs and sets his bottle down. He then slaps a hand onto my shoulder and - is that alcohol I smell? "Alfred," he says in that Russiany way of his. "Alfred. Do you really think stalking him is the best way to apologize?"

"Well do you have any better ideas, mister? Huh?" I don't try to snap at everyone I talk to really. It kind of just happens.

Ivan shrugs all drunk-like and slides around so that he's leaning on me. "Give him something he likes. Flowers or Hello Kitty dolls or panda stuffed animals or something cute..."

If I were good at reading people I might have said a dreamy look passed over his face, but I'm not. So I'll just say that I'm pretty sure he was at least a little bit buzzed and had no idea who we were talking about anymore.

I think maybe I'm about to bring up a touchy subject but I don't really care.

"How do you and Yao stay together all the time? I mean it's like you two are never apart (except now of course). You're never mad at him or anything.."

He finally stops day-dreaming about things that should probably stay in his head forever and looks up at the cloudy sky. "There's nothing to be mad about. Yao is perfect. He's always so nice and cute even when he's not trying -"

"Yao tries to be cute?" A shiver runs down my spine because that's just weird.

"Hush. I'm telling a story."

"Sorry..." I say, shuffling my feet awkwardly.

"As I was saying... Yao is amazing."

...

"... That's it?"

Ivan nods. "Yes."

"Oh." Well that didn't help at all. I shall try another approach!

"What if you accidentally rubbed your face into his crotch and it wasn't even your fault and then he got mad at you and ignored you for a long time? What would you do?"

Ivan thinks for a moment and then looks at me, confused. "Yao never complains when I rub anything against his crotch. In fact -"

"I'm leaving."

"- I'm almost 100% sure he likes it."

I never got the chance to leave.

"Yeah, well that's great and all, but you're not helping me win back Kiku's heart at all."

"I came with you to stalk him, no?"

And then:

"...Alfred?"

I turn around real fast, because - that voice! I'd know it anywhere!

"Kiku!" Sadiq is glaring at me but I don't care.

I stand up and look deep deep deeeeeep into Kiku's pretty eyes and push Heracles away and grab Kiku's hand. "Oh I missed you so much, Kiku! Please talk to me again. I'm really really really sorry that I fell on your lap, it really was an accident!"

He frowns up at me, looking kind of hurt. "Ivan-san... he just said... were you stalking me?"

AJHFSBJHF,ASDFGAGEAD .eklfjvn

"What? No! Don't listen to Ivan! He's a commie! _(Ivan: Hey!)_ It's a conspiracy! Come on Kiku, I would never stalk you! I love you.."

And if it's possible, he looks even more hurt. Kiku pulls his hands away and kind of shoves me a bit. "I have to go, Alfred." And then he walks away.

fml.

* * *

_[a/n]_

_ChaCha is a company-type thing that will answer any question you text them, and it's totally, completely free and kind of funny sometimes. Yes, I actually did text them. My message was: _I accidentally face-planted into my boyfriend's crotch and now he won't talk to me! What should I do? _And yes, I used their actual answer, and my reaction was pretty much exactly Al's._


	13. Complications, & I'm gonna be an author

**January 23rd**

I think Mom and Dad are starting to get suspicious of me since I'm not really myself... Or that's what dad told me at least, which I don't understand because I'm totally myself. Who else would I be?

And Matt's suddenly being all nice to me and he's always worried and stuff. He even denied Gilbert to stay home with me today! I temporarily take back what I said about Canadians being stupid.

...

After Kikuu and Heracles and Sadiq left yesterday, I kinda just stood there in the snow. I heard Ivan stand up behind me and he clapped a hand onto my back and we walked back to my house together.

Before he left, he looked right at me and said "Just remember this, Alfred: no matter how bad things might seem, no matter how dark the world might get, everything could always be worse."

"Yeah? How so?" I didn't believe any of that. Nothing could be worse than being Kiku-less.

"Well, you could be Carriedo," he said, looking over at an ongoing snowball fight between Antonio and Lovino. Vargas seemed to be relentlessly chucking snowballs at Antonio's manhood and enjoying every minute of it. "Poor guy will never be able to have kids."

"Isn't he gay?"

Ivan paused and seemed to be thinking for a few seconds. "... Well, it was nice seeing you, Alfred. до свидания (goodbye)." He waved once and left.

When I got inside Matthew came right up to me and started dusting bits of snow off of me and helped take my jacket off. He was acting like a housewife or something.

"Matt. What are you doing?" I wrinkled my nose as he reached up to brush snowflakes out of my hair. "Dude, stop that.. it's weird!"

"I'm helping you. You're heartbroken, right?"

"I... guess so." Gah, it hurts to admit that!

"Right." He nodded and ushered me up the stairs to my room. "Tell me what happened."

Kicking off my shoes, I laid down on my bed and Matt flopped next to me. "Me and Ivan followed him to the park and Kiku found out and got angry."

Matthew seemed very disappointed in me. "Al, what did I tell you about TALKING to him? You can't just follow him around and expect it all to be okay..."

I stuffed my face into my Superman pillow and groaned. "Shut up Matt. Your voice is pissing me off."

He sat up and sighed. "Listen. Valentine's Day is coming up pretty soon, eh? Make it up to him then. Give him something nice or take him out to do something fun. Just find a way to fix this before you drive Mom, Dad and yourself insane."

As much as I kind of hated to say this, that was kind of a good idea. I'd have to be really smooth and romantic though, which meant I needed practice. And a teacher probably.

I needed Francis.

* * *

**January 25th**

After school today, I walked to Francis's house. As soon as Artie found out I was going he kindly offered to walk me there so that I wasn't "mauled by a bear or hit by a truck o-or something alright? It's not like I actually want to... s-see that bloody wanker..."

Ah, my friends are so nice!

"Sooo, Kiku looked pretty upset in Gym today. You know what's wrong with him?"

I know Arthur is my best friend and I really shouldn't be angry at him because he had no idea about the face-crotch thing, but I wanted to tackle him to the ground and strangle him right there! Instead, I shrugged and looked away. "No idea..."

He must have noticed that I sounded weird because he stopped walking and made me stop. "Is everything alright, Alfred?"

"Haha, of course... Everything's just fine! Peachy. Jim Dandy. Hunky-dory. P-perfect..." Oh god Alfred no don't start crying right now! Grow a pair and keep yourself together man! Don't... D-don't cry, you idiot... don't...

"Alfred, you're crying!" Arthur tugged on my sleeve and frowned. "What on earth is wrong with you, Jones?"

"I'm fine! C-c'mon, we have to go see Francis..." I wiped my eyes and stalked off to Frenchie's house.

...

We made it there sometime around 3:30 I think. And when I knocked on the door, Francis opened it really dramatically and said my name with a very suggestive sigh at the end that made me fear for myself.

But then his lusty eyes landed on Arthur and he licked his lips and if I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure he winked too.

Gross gross gross gross gross gross ew yuck blargh ew gross oh god ew.

I pushed him out of the way and curled up on his couch, already starting to warm up from the fireplace by the time the other two sat down across from me.

"So, Alfred, mon ami~ What is it that you need my help with?"

I shot a glance at Arthur because he looked curious too, especially after my break down outside. "Well... I was thinking that um... for Valentine's day I should probably do something nice with Kiku... But he's really mad at me and probably won't talk to me, sooo, I kinda need your help on being romantic enough that he has no choice BUT to talk to me..."

Francis leaned forward and looked right at me. "My, my... why is he upset with you?"

"You were there, you dumbass. Remember when Antonio threw that note at you in class, but you suck so you missed it? Yeah well, then it hit me in the face and I face-planted into his crotch." I crossed my arms.

"... That is why he is mad? Oh, mon cher, je suis très désolé! If I had known, I would have helped you earlier."

"Yeah well you didn't, so you can just help me now instead." I could feel Artie looking at me at that point I think. He was probably surprised that I was snapping at Frenchie. But I couldn't help it! Being away from Kiku was slowly turning me into a monster! I'd probably be breathing fire and eating little kids by tomorrow morning!

Oh god that's gross... But maybe I'd have wings too. I wouldn't mind having wings, I think...

"Jones? Jones!Were you listening to a word I just said?"

I looked up at Arthur. "... Of course I was! But, uh... do you mind repeating the part where you said the stuff about the... things?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "I SAID that maybe you should take him somewhere he's never been before. Like, I don't know... take him to the fair or something. Maybe that place by the beach where you can watch the sunset. That way you two would have the entire train ride to talk and the whole ride back too. And don't try to be romantic either! Just be yourself, got it?"

Well then. "Oh... jeez. I didn't know you were such a romantic, Artie."

"Of course I am. It runs in the family. Along with a few... other traits. Come on now, Jones. We need to get our project from Toris."

We left then and I wondered the whole way home how Arthur could have possibly ignored Francis drooling on him the entire time.

* * *

**January 28th**

- Sunset Hill

+ we'd get to talk a lot

+ he's probably never been there

+ he's told me that he loves sunsets

- County fair

+ i'd get to see him act like a little kid(?)

+ they have awesome cotton candy

+ i'd have to hold his hand so we wouldn't get separated

- Zoo

+ he likes animals

+ umm... he... I GIVE UP.

I don't know anymore

I still have a few weeks before Valentine's day, but I really wanna be on top of this! I wanna be prepared! For Kiku's sake. If I upset him again, he'll probably hate me forever...

* * *

**January 31st**

Last day of January! Which means spring is coming soon, and that means no more dumb snow, and then SUMMER! Summer is great because I don't have school for two moths.

I really don't like school.

* * *

**February 1st**

Dear diary.

I'm sorry. All I ever do is talk about Kiku. I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear about him all the time, diary. So I'll tell you about someone else.

I'll tell you..

IN THE FORM OF A STORY.

. . .

Once upon a time in fourth period English class, there was this really totally awesome American hero named Alfred. He was amazing and blond and everyone absolutely loved him and his muscle-y arms. He could eat as much as he wanted and never get fat and had the voice of Zeus or Jesus or Morgan Freeman. Everybody thought he was a demigod, and he let them think that because he didn't them all to know how he was actually just a human like the rest of them. They might get jealous.

On the other side of the classroom, there was a really bouncy Korean exchange-student that was Alfred's boyfriend's cousin. The Korean guy had a confusing name that was actually three names, so everyone just called him "Korea" or, if you were cool enough, "Yong Soo". Yong Soo, like everyone else in the whole world, really liked Alfred. He also liked boobs, but that's nor really the point.

The point is: He liked Alfred. But everyone did so it was totally normal. Except not. Because he didn't just LIKE our awesome American hero. No sir. He LOVED him.

Al and Yong Soo had met at Kiku's house before and they were kind of friends until Yong Soo had to go back to Korea. But apparently he liked the blue-eyed sexbeast so much that he just had to come back and enroll in the same school as him. And the same classes. At the same times.

Al was totally used to people crushing on him, so he just smiled when Yong Soo confessed his passionate, undying love and patted the boy on the head. "Sorry," he said majestically, wind conveniently coming by to blow his hair around in a way that he was sure made him look brilliant. "I am taken."

Yong Soo's eyes were brimming with tears as he crashed himself into Alfred's manly chest and sobbed. "Who is it?" he asked angrily. "Tell me!"

Our hero paused for dramatic effect, and when he spoke, God shivered at the sound a little bit. "Your cousin."

Yong Soo looked up at Alfred since he is just so damn tall that everyone has to look up when speaking to him. "K-Kiku? You're dating Kiku?"

Alfred nods mightily, holding onto the Korean's shoulder and gazing dramatically out at the horizon before them. "I am sorry."

. . .

... Man I think I'm going to be an author when I grow up.

Ooh dinner time!

* * *

_[author's notes.]_

_Um, I'm kinda losing the diary-feel to this fic. It's sort of turning itself into an actual, first-person fan fiction with a lot of dumb typos and weird chapter titles! Gahh, I need to work on explaining through less dialogue. Next update may take a bit as I try to resolve this issue!_

_(If you wanna see Yong Soo's side of Al's little story in the end, I'll be posting that as a seperate fic soon, so look out for it!)_


	14. Soda War!

**February 2nd**

Okay so I know I've seen Gilbert and Matt exchanging saliva before but now they're really just pissing me off.

They're both in my fifth period and seriously the whole time all they were doing was making dumb faces at each other across the classroom or flipping each other off or throwing notes at one another when the teacher wasn't looking.

Why do they have to be so in love? Seriously it's really gross and annoying and

I hate hate hate hate hate it.

And then when class was over, they were holding hands.

HOLDING HANDS.

I'm really glad Matthew is all happy and stuff now but if I can't be lovey-dovey with Kiku, then Gilbert shouldn't be allowed to be happy.

...

Speaking of Kiku.

I haven't seen him since the day in the park.

It's like he's trying as hard as possible to stay away from me, and I think he may have even switched out of the classes we used to share.

But I'm not supposed to let this information get me down! ... At least, that's what Tino told me after I sobbed the whole story to him at lunch.

According to him I'm supposed to think happy things and not think or talk about Kiku.

I then told him that was impossible because, really - Kiku is my entire life and I would flush my XBOX down a giant toilet if it meant getting him back.

I... haven't been crying as much anymore, though...

...

But I think that may be because Yong Soo keeps following me around, which has kept me pretty occupied.

It's actually more amusing than it is scary.

I mean he thinks he's totally really good at the whole thing, but I can HEAR him following me since he can't keep his mouth shut.

He squeals a lot.

Like a little girl, ahaha~

* * *

**February 4th**

I got a ton and three quarters of math homework today, jesus.

It's like every time I breathe, I'm inhaling fractions and quadratics and variables and parentheses and I don't even know what.

But I guess it's pretty good that I'm actually even doing it in the first place. It's not like I have anything else to do since Kiku is -

Okay no Alfred stop. No thinking about him. Remember what Tino said.

Alright, good. I got this.

Yeah so anyway.

Now that Yao-Yao's back, Ivan's not really pissy anymore. Which is good news for... well, the whole school.

Nothing's really RIGHT when Ivan's upset, yanno?

Now they're right back to crawling all over each other all the time and it kind of makes me want to throw up. Sure, I can stand people kissing and stuff (I go to a high school, so it's unavoidable), but when they're practically in each other's pants in the lunch line, now, that's a problem. It's where I draw the line.

So I can't really be around them when they're together right now.

Also! Arthur started smoking oh my god.

It.. makes him look really attractive, but his lungs! His poor lungs!

I told him that they would get all shrively and black and gross, but he doesn't care.

I begged him and danced for him to make him stop because cigarettes smell really really bad

but there's no persuading the British.

I hope Francis can convince him to stop...

* * *

**February 6th**

Mmm!

Yong Soo brought me McDonald's for lunch the other day!

Usually when he tries to come up and talk to me, he runs away before I can even get a word in.

But on Friday at lunch he sat down with me and I'm even so nice that I shared my double cheeseburger AND my soda with him.

I had kinda forgotten how cool of a person he was when he moved back to Korea, but now that he's back and after our little conversation, I figure we could be new best friends.

I mean, he doesn't smoke and isn't always making out with someone. He's also not French.

It's not really awkward being with him. I think he gave up on stalking me and asking me out or whatever, which is good. Tino said that what I really need right now is a friend, or someone to at least talk to.

I think I'll ask him if he wants to be BFFs next time I see him~

* * *

**February 7th**

I usually hate Mondays, but today! Today was totally different!

Okay, I hadn't ditched school for... well, a long time. But today, Arthur and I met in the hall during third period, and he asked if I wanted to go to the arcade with him in the next town over and I'm not an idiot so of course I agreed!

Right as we were about to leave, Yong Soo walked by and I grabbed him and made him go with us because I don't think I could have lasted with Arthur and his cancerous lungs all by myself.

We had the

greatest

day

ever.

Yong Soo is the only person I've ever met that could beat me at Dance Dance Revolution! It was crazy, man!

We got so many tickets and I got a giant fluffy white stuffed bear that I gave to Matthew because he's girly like that, and Yong Soo just cashed his all in for candy. Arthur let me have his tickets since he's not cool anymore and I got Yong Soo and I these totally awesome water gun things that we filled with Sprite and Coke and had a war with in the bathroom.

After that, we ran around and "wreaked havoc" as Yong Soo put it, and ate a bunch of pizza.

We all got home really late today, but I don't care!

My friends are the coolest~

* * *

**February 8th**

Screw Tino.

I have to think about Kiku right now.

Valentine's Day is in six days!

I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it or when or how I'm even going to ask him to go anywhere with me because he totally hates me and probably never even wants to see me or hear from me ever ever again and I want to slam my face repeatedly into a brick wall and cry at Kiku's feet!

Gahh someone help me!

Also, Matt named the bear. ... It begins with a K, I think. I don't know. He probably doesn't either, but at least he loves it. Damn, I'm a great big brother.

* * *

_[author's notes.]_

_I have been doing absolutely nothing but watching NCIS and listening to college lectures about abnormal psychology on my phone and eating Nutella for the past few days, guys, I think there is something terribly wrong with me._

_I wrote this all in one go, hoping to help out the people like me who don't have friends worthy enough to hang out with them on Friday nights. Strut your stuff, girl (or boy! or other! or neither!)._


	15. Doctor Jones and a short chapter

_[author's notes.]_

_Warning: these entries are all kinda short because I don't have much left to write about. The BIG chapter's up next!_

* * *

**February 9th**

I watched every single Indiana Jones movie today without even stopping once to pee or eat or anything.

I don't really know what made me do it, but it was fun.

My parents didn't even care that I skipped school, because apparently Mom thought I needed a mental health day and that staying home would be good for me.

That woman's such a weirdo.

But anyway!

When I was a kid, I used to totally wish I was Indiana Jones.

The theme song is my ringtone, and I have like five or eight posters in my room and even the hat and whip.

Watching all these movies brought back all these awesome memories of playing games with Matt, pretending to be Indy while he was my faithful sidekick, Shorty. Just.. less Chinese.

... If only I was as good with the ladies as Indy...

* * *

**February 10th**

Today... I pretty much failed my English test and accidentally cut off one of Chelles's pigtails during lunch. She slapped me across the face and then Yong Soo took me to the nurse because she hit me so hard that my glasses flew off and broke on the floor and I also got a black eye.

Artie said it makes me look tougher.

And then I kicked Sadiq in the balls on his way to the bus

just

because

I felt like it.

Feliks dropped his cell phone in the pool and Toris dove in just to get it for him, which was totally manly of him. I think it's actually the manliest thing I've ever seen him do!

Umm what else happened today..?

Well.

Antonio tripped when he was playing soccer yesterday and Lovino's been with him the whole time, PRETENDING like he doesn't care when we all know he totally does.

Matt also didn't come back from Gil's house yesterday, but when I saw him at school today, he looked like he had done... well, something I never want to think about him doing ever.

I... guess that's it.

Today was pretty boring.

BUT.

I HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO PAY KIKU A VISIT ON SATURDAY.

...

Okay, well Arthur actually kind of said I had to otherwise he would rip my stomach open and tear out my ovaries and make me eat my own eyes while he set my hair on fire because he was sick of listening to me whine all the time

but I'm just going to pretend like it was my idea, okay~?

* * *

**February 11th**

Friday! I wish it was always Friday. Friday is great.

If Friday was a person I would marry it.

After I married Kiku first of course.

But right after that, I would be all up on Friday and we would have a great time just doing newlywed things like buying a house and painting the walls dumb colors and I would even serve it breakfast in bed probably.

We'd be great for each other.

...

Oh! Oh! Diary, man, I think I'm running out of pages in you. But you probably already knew that.

I think I only have enough pages for like another week or maybe even less.

And... well, I just wanted to say that.. you've been a great friend really.

We've been through a lot together

a-and I don't mean to get all sappy on ya here,

but I'm glad I got to know you because I feel like we really connected, you know?

Yeah..

So... when I'm all done with you, I definitely won't forget you, okay?

And you'd better not forget me either!

I... I love you, Diary!

* * *

**February 12th**

I did it.

I went to Kiku's house and asked him if he would

"kindly join me on a day out on the town on the 14th"

and after a lot of thinking to himself and frowning, he said yes.

O-oh my god I almost pissed my pants right then and there I swear.

And it doesn't help that he was wearing this giant sweatshirt and baggy pants and hnngh!

He looked so tiny and little and kissable I wanted to hug him for an hour at least and pick him up and spin him around and tell him how sorry I am!

Ahh, just seeing him for a few minutes was enough to make my day.

I'm so happy right now, I could sing!

I wanted to reach out and hug him, but that would have been weird since he's still kind of mad at me, so I just said thank you and left.

I have a feeling that things are going to start to get better as long as Arthur's advice to

"be myself" is right and doesn't make me look like an idiot.

I'm pretty sure it'll work...

Arthur's usually always right!

* * *

**February 13th**

Sunset Hill.

It's official.

That's where Kiku and I are going.

And after that, maybe we can go out and do something else.

Like get coffee...? He likes coffee right?

No!

Tea. He likes tea.

Okay, so we can go get tea or see a movie. Or both.

As long as we don't go out to dinner at some fancy place again, because last time, that didn't really work out..

I don't know.

But I'm pretty satisfied with myself for figuring the first part out at least.

I'm not even really that nervous for tomorrow for some reason but whatever!

Ahh~ I can't wait!

* * *

_[author's notes.]_

_TWO UPDATES IN ONE DAY?_

_MADNESS, I SAY._

_Actually, no, I'm just lonely and have no social life like most of the internet population, let's be friends._


	16. Valentine's Day, return of Kiku the Gr8

The sky was still bright and blue by the time Alfred was fumbling with his appearance in the mirror. He tried smoothing back his hair with gel, smiling as it stayed there for a second, frowning when it flopped back over into his eyes. He tried going without his glasses, but after tripping on his way up the stairs, he decided that... probably wasn't a good idea.

Arthur was sitting calmly on the edge of the counter-top, spraying the entire bathroom with Al's can of Old Spice, just because he could. "You look better with your hair down, anyway. Ludwig's the only one who can pull off the 'slicked-back' look without looking like a vampire," he said mindlessly, picking up a tub of hair gel and spiking his own blond hair up into a faux-hawk.

Alfred frowned at his reflection. "I feel like I'm missing something..."

The British boy hopped down from the sink and padded into Al's room, coming back a moment later with a generously-sized bouquet of pink and white flowers. He shoved them into Alfred's hand and then proceeded to straighten out his friend's shirt and fix his flat hair. "Alright. I now pronounce you ready to go."

"Arthur?"

"What is it, Jones?" Arthur asked. He had gone back to digging through Alfred's bathroom items, and was currently inspecting his tube of minty toothpaste.

"What happens if I spontaneously combust out of joy when I see him?"

"Well," Arthur began, looking straight at Alfred in the mirror. "If you _do_ burst into flames, you'll be dead. So there's nothing you can really _do_, except tell me right now that if you die, I can have Matt as my personal slave." He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "Actually, I'm going to need this in writing, if you don't mind."

"Arthur, I'm being serious! ("So am I..") What if something goes wrong? What if he hates me even more or - or... what if I make him sad or something?"

"Too many 'what if?'s," he shot back, waving his hand flippantly. "Remember what I said? Be yourself. Kiku's a natural fellow; I'm sure everything will be fine if you just be who you are and take things _slowly_."

Alfred nodded seriously, taking mental notes on every word coming from his friend's mouth. "Okay. Okay, okay, yes. I got this under control. I believe in myself, I believe in myself, I really do. Arthur, do you believe in me?"

"Yes, of course," he said, bored. "Now, go, or you'll never make it there on time." Arthur pushed his friend from the bathroom and shoved his wallet, keys, and phone into his hands.

"Alright, already... What are _you_going to do?" Alfred balanced carefully on his way down the stairs, stuffing things in his pockets and accidentally elbowing Arthur into the wall.

"I figured I'd stay here and keep Mrs. Jones company while the mister is out of town." He threw Alfred's mother a wink on their way past the living room. The woman shook her head and went back to her Project Runway marathon on TV.

Alfred snorted. "Good luck with that. She's a feisty woman."

"I didn't need your luck last night, Jones, and I certainly don't need it now," Arthur retorted, pushing the American out of the house and pointing in the general direction of Kiku's neighborhood. "Now, go. Goodbye."

"I'm going, I'm going..." Alfred made his way to his car and checked his appearance once more in the window, before getting in and sighing. "Alfred.. You've gotta do this _right_. Don't screw up. You can't afford a screw-up.."

Before driving to pick up Kiku, he reached over and pulled his diary from the glove compartment, flipping to the next blank page.

* * *

**February 14th**  
I don't think I'm ready for this.  
Also, Artie better not really be screwing my mom because I'll be pissed.  
I'll fill ya in later, diary.

- Al

* * *

To say that Kiku was having a panic attack was an understatement. It was more than that. The shortness of breath was there, along with light-headedness. But deep, deep down in his stomach, there was ... Something. A _weird_feeling. He grabbed at his middle and frowned, thinking that it was probably that he'd eaten something bad for lunch.

But when the doorbell rang and Yong Soo flung the door open, talking to someone that was definitely Alfred, the feeling in his stomach became even more annoying. Kiku tried to ignore it and stood up, shaking as he pulled his jacket on and walked over to his cousin and Alfred.

The blond stopped talking as soon as his eyes landed on Kiku and, as if suddenly remembering he was holding them, he held out a bundle of what appeared to be Chrysanthemums and cherry blossoms. Kiku's heart flopped over and over into the back of his ribcage pathetically as he took the flowers. To hide his soft smile, the Japanese boy buried his face in the bouquet, mumbling a quick, "thank you" that he hoped also masked his wandering eyes.

What? He couldn't help it if Alfred looked... well, nice. Especially in those skinny jeans...

"Happy Valentine's Day, Kiku," Alfred said, stepping to the side to allow Kiku room to pass through the door.

Kiku didn't glance back once at his cousin - who was probably pouting in the doorway - as he shut the door behind him. "You too, Alfred..."

The two of them stood there awkwardly for a moment, Kiku's eyes fixed on the flower petals as Alfred found a particular spot on the floor to be suddenly very interesting. "S-so, um..."

"'Um'?" Kiku glanced up, and he totally did not notice that Alfred's eyes were the exact same shade as the sky behind him, or how his hair softly fluttered in the wind. No, he noticed none of that. He was still angry at the other boy, for goodness' sakes!

"We... should probably go now. The train leaves in, um... fifteen minutes," Al said nervously, checking his phone for the time and smoothly ignoring several texts from Arthur (_How's it going? Gotten to 1st base yet? You're probably at 2nd already, huh? Jones, answer me. Jones! I am going to convince your mother to disown you unless you answer me. I hate you._)

"Ah. Alright." The Japanese boy tried not to dwell on the fact that Alfred had opened the car door for him and had looked quite dashing while doing so. He tried. But as said blond made his way around the car, Kiku's mind was racing already, and he nearly found himself forgetting why he had even been mad at him in the first place.

* * *

Alfred pressed his face against the window and watched the world fly by. He usually never came to this side of town, so he was rather impressed. There were lots of cool, artsy things lying around: sculptures, metallic buildings that looked like they were from the future, and even the _people_ looked cool. He watched a guy playing his sticker-covered guitar for money or attention on a street corner, and a minute later, _whoosh!_ He was gone, replaced with a long stretch of sparkling ocean and clear, cerulean sky.

The blond sighed happily and sat back down in his seat, staring across at Kiku. Of course, the Asian boy had decided to sit _across_ from Alfred, rather than next to him.

But whatever. That was okay. Alfred hadn't expected Kiku to forgive him just yet, and was definitely not surprised that he wasn't talking to-

"Where are we going, Alfred?"

Kiku sounded tired, kind of like he didn't even really want to even _be_ there. With Alfred. The Japanese boy kept his eyes glued to the ocean outside and his hand laying gently on the flowers beside him.

Alfred forced a weak grin and leaned forward. "That. Is a surprise. I think you'll like it, though. Probably..."

It was another few minutes before Kiku said anything else. "... Sadiq and Heracles don't _really_ like me. ...By the way."

The other boy blinked. He didn't really know where that had come from... but he played along anyway. "Well, they're always fighting over you... I just thought... You know."

Kiku shook his head and looked over in Alfred's general direction, not quite meeting his eyes. "It's... symbolic, really." Knowing there was no way Alfred would understand, he continued: "What I mean is, they would fight over anyone the same way they do me. They argue with each other about _every_thing. It's messy, sure, but that's just how they are. They've always been like that, as far as either can remember." Running his fingers down the stems of the cherry blossoms, he shrugged, and said, "I'm not sure that either of them actually likes me as more than just a friend anyway. So you don't have to be jealous..."

Trying to maintain what was left of his dignity, Alfred quickly replied with, "I'm not jealous. Just... worried, maybe."

"About what?"

"Well, you know..." He nervously adjusted his glasses and twiddled his thumbs on his lap, shrugging. "You know... Losing you. A-and stuff."

Kiku opened his mouth to say something - to reassure Alfred that, no, _you_'re the one I love, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes and, oh God, I've been so _stupid_ this whole time, I'm sorry, Alfred, I really, really love you - but the train slowed to a stop and a robotic voice from the front said, "_Now arriving in Downtown District_."

Alfred laughed awkwardly and stood up, offering his hand to Kiku, and the two walked off together.

* * *

Kiku still had no idea where they were going.

He was kind of frightened now, actually.

He'd always been afraid of heights.

Peering over the edge of the rather tall cliff, Kiku felt his heart drop into his stomach. And then he felt his stomach drop somewhere into his legs, which he was sure was not normal, if his AP Anatomy class had taught him anything.

He moved a bit closer to Alfred, who was traipsing over people-sized rocks, through itchy wildlife, and plowing straight into shin-deep expansions of sand like it was _no big deal_.

The two of them had been ... "hiking" for a good seven minutes now, stomping and clomping along a mountainous hill-thing that ran along the beach below. Looking down, Kiku could see ant-sized people playing in the water and strolling around on the shore. He was kind of envious, he realized, as he felt something creepy-crawly run over his foot and watched it dart into the safety of some close-packed rocks. Kiku would have liked to walk along the beach. At sea level. Sea level was great. It was perfect, in fact. There was nothing better than sea level.

But, no. Leave it to Alfred to suddenly become some sort of strange, overgrown, male version of Dora the Explorer.

... Kiku was clearly losing his mind.

Taking a deep breath, he concentrated on his feet and where they were going, deciding that tripping two feet away from the edge of a seventy-foot drop was not the best thing he could have done at that moment.

* * *

A few minutes later, Alfred pushed aside the hanging limbs of some trees and allowed Kiku to walk through the opening.

And...

It was amazing. _Breath-taking_. _Beautiful. Impossible_.

It looked like a painting, and Kiku wanted to whip out his camera and document the sheer simplicity of the sky and the ocean stretching out endlessly before him.

He turned back to look at Alfred and noticed he was moving to stand next to Kiku. "Whoa..." the blond breathed.

Sunset Hill was more like Sunset Mountain, or Sunset Precipice With Little Ledges Sticking Out Every Once in a While, That are Perfect for Sitting on with Your Asian Boyfriend and Watching the Awesome Sunset.

Al and Kiku had ended up on a grassy, little opening. It was surrounded by trees and flowers, and spread about thirty feet in every direction. If you sat down right in the middle, you could stare directly out into the sky and see everything. The whole sun. Every cloud. The waves, and the beach-dwellers.

In short, it was perfect. Alfred felt a hot cloud of satisfaction bump around in his heart when he noticed that Kiku was speechless. Not that the Asian normally said much, but he didn't normally stand there with his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide, either.

"How did you find this place...?" Kiku finally asked, turning his head to look in every direction, to take in every detail.

Alfred smiled and sat down by Kiku's feet, shrugging. "It's actually a local hot-spot. Tons of people come here. Tourists and stuff. I've never actually been here myself, but I'd heard nothing but good news about this place, and it sounded like something you would like. You know, open and pretty and stuff." He patted the empty patch of grass next to him, silently saying, Kiku, you should totally sit down too, right here, right next to me.

He apparently caught on, and lowered himself to the ground beside Alfred, legs criss-crossed. "Hm," Kiku hummed. "Well, you were certainly right; I do like it. It's perfect."

Heat rushed into Alfred's cheeks and he turned his face away to hide it, pretending to concentrate on a teeny-tiny sailboat far away in the water. "I'm glad..."

* * *

It was quiet and wonderful. Neither of them ever wanted it to end. Every sudden sound was soft and far-off, calming. It made them feel small, and it amplified the intensity of the scene in front of them.

Kiku pulled his legs in and wrapped his arms around them. The sun was finally beginning to fall, dipping ever-closer to the horizon. He glanced over at Alfred, who was leaning back and watching the scene before him with childish wonder in his eyes.

The smaller boy felt extremely out of place breaking the silence, but something had been tearing at the back of his mind since they had left the train station, and he wanted an answer before he was ready to forgive anybody. Just in case. "Alfred.. I have to ask you: What exactly is your relationship.. with Yong Soo?" Kiku kept his eyes down, arms and legs tucked in close to his body.

"Yong Soo? Well, he's my friend. Hasn't he told you that?" Alfred sent a worried smile over at the Japanese boy, trying to understand what he had meant by that.

Kiku nodded slowly. "We have spoken. But.. he told me that he likes you. A lot. He was angry about us being.. together.."

Oh. Oh. "Oh. That. Yeah, well, he asked me out a while ago, but I told him no. Ever since then, he hasn't asked me again." Alfred shrugged and sat forward, staring at the sky. "We're... just friends, you know. I swear on my life."

Kiku let the corners of his mouth lift into a tiny smile as he inched a bit closer to the American. "I believe you. And, Alfred.."

He flickered his eyes over to Kiku for a moment, looking away as soon as he noticed the other boy gazing at him. _Ooh, out of all the times my nerves could have acted up..!_"Yeah?"

"I am sorry. I realize that I overreacted. I think that, perhaps, I was afraid. I didn't believe that you really wanted _me_," he murmured, laying back in the soft grass and watching the orange clouds drift across the sky. "You were so... Open with everybody. I thought you would change your mind. I thought you already _were_, and that you were making fun of me when you, er..."

"Slammed my face into your crotch?" Al supplied, flashing him a sideways grin.

Kiku smiled at the ghosts of stars, the atmospheric wonders barely just beginning to light up in the dimming sky. "... Yeah."

A hollow silence floated between the two as the sun continued its lazy descent of the wintry sky. A few moments into watching it dip into the horizon, Alfred couldn't take it anymore, and blurted out, "Listen, Kiku. I'm really sorry about everything I did and anything I ever will do because I think you're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I feel like the luckiest guy on earth whenever I look at you and realize 'holy shit, he's mine!'. I also know Arthur said to take things slower this time around and I agree because you're like a really delicate, fragile flower, but I really, really want to kiss you right now, and I hope you don't mind or say no, because I think I might blow up if you do." Alfred took a deep, much-needed breath as his cheeks burned a fiery, pink color. He tugged at a few blades of grass to keep himself busy.

Kiku sat up slowly, leaning back on his hands. "You're asking for my permission?"

Alfred nodded quickly, looking up to meet Kiku's chocolate gaze. "Yes.."

"... You should probably hurry up, before the sun goes down and we can't see each other then..."

"Wait - so... Wait. Was that -?" Alfred blinked.

Kiku rolled his eyes and, in a very out-of-character move, lightly pulled Alfred by the sleeve until the blond was hovering above his lap, knees planted into the grass on either side of Kiku's thighs.

They stayed that way for a moment and a half before Alfred finally realized what the hell was going on. Kiku could hear the gears click into place as Alfred leaned forward, warm breath ghosting across his cheeks. The blond only felt awkward for a moment, before he locked gazes with his boyfriend, pressing his lips softly, softly, oh-so softly, to the corner of Kiku's mouth.

The Asian's eyes immediately fluttered shut and he became a mess of hot, melted goo in Al's arms, wrapping himself around the blond and pulling him down for more. Alfred pushed himself closer, not wanting to get carried away, but not believing in himself to stop and - oh! Was that a tongue? Was Kiku -? Oh, _God_. He'd forgotten how good of a kisser Kiku really was.

The blond boy hungrily attacked the other, hands getting lost in Kiku's hair and at the hem of his shirt and in the grass as their mouths kept each other busy.

Sloppy, meaningful kisses were exchanged, open mouth to open mouth, and Alfred couldn't help but savor the taste of Kiku - tongue and teeth and roof of his mouth and all. He moved down to graze his lips and tongue along the subtle line of Kiku's soft jaw, and he felt Kiku shiver a bit underneath him as he lifted his chin to give Alfred easier access.

Hearing him moan a second later turned Alfred one hundred percent into a hormonal teenager and drove the American to want to go a bit deeper, a bit crazier. He probably would have, too, if his boyfriend's hands hadn't crawled up to softly touch Al's face and tangle in his hair, and if he hadn't suddenly realized that he missed Kiku more than he'd thought.

They broke apart a few moments after, parting with a couple of fleeting, butterfly-soft kisses and quick glances in each other's eyes.

Alfred was the first to speak, peeking at the boy under him through blond bangs as his glasses slipped down a bit. "So... are we cool then?"

Kiku smiled up at him and nodded, poking at Alfred's glasses to keep them from falling off. "Mm. We're cool," he confirmed.

Alfred grinned, moving off of the (cute, sexy, adorable, wonderful, perfect, amazing, oh my god so **brilliant**) Asian to sit beside him. He watched the sun finally drop from sight, and sighed contentedly, holding on tight to Kiku's hand. "Good."

* * *

_[author's notes.]_

_So, Kiku may not seem in character, but I feel like he's probably been a bit "Americanized" at this point. Besides, he's dating Alfred, and he'd never survive that mess if he was always so shy and prude, etc., etc._

_Also, is the ending cheesy enough for you? Seriously, tell me. I could totally make it cheesier. I am like the Cheese Queen. Like the Evil Cheese Overlord or something._

_Onto ch. seventeen! Which also happens to be the last!_


	17. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

**April 27th**

It's almost been like two whole months since me and Kiku got back together, and we're still going strong!

Pretty soon, school's gonna be over. Then we'll have summer, and after that we'll be seniors! That means only one more year of high school and then we'll officially be adults.

I'm kinda freaked out.

I mean, I don't even know what college I'm going to. I don't even know what I want to do with my life!

Obviously being Indiana Jones is out, even though I already have the last name and the dashing good looks and the costume and everything.

Kiku wants to go back to Japan to study to become a psychologist.

When he told me, I was like "KIKU. I'M GOING WITH YOU. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME, BABE."

So he's been teaching me basic Japanese these past few weeks. I can't really say anything useful and he said my pronunciation sucks, but I guess I'll get better over time.

...

Ah, I also kind of... told my parents about us. Me and Kiku.

I was surprised that they actually took it so well. Mom said she was just happy that I found someone, and she always would be as long as I was. Dad just smiled awkwardly and patted my shoulder and said "congratulations."

And that actually means a LOT coming from my dad.

I don't know when Matt's gonna tell them about Gilbert, but I don't really care because I came out to them first, so I already won, hahaha~

...

Speaking of Matt and Gil.

Matthew's totally changed. Not in a bad way, but it's fucking weird.

He's so...

girly.

I mean, he's always been girly, but now he's even more girly.

For instance, on Monday, we had an early release day at school, so Gil came home with us and I walked in on them in the kitchen while Gilbert was doing some kind of fail flirting and Matthew was giggling and blushing and squirming around like a schoolgirl.

Yeah. But I guess they're both happy and stuff, so it's okay.

...

Now... Arthur and Francis.

I'm not really sure what their relationship is. It's kind of love-hate-ish.

Apparently it's working for both of them though, so I can't really say anything bad about it.

I guess they compliment each other pretty well.

Arthur's maturity makes up for Francis's lack of self-control, and Francis's cooking skills make up for Arthur's inability to cook something without burning it.

...

Ivan and Yao have finally gotten over their PDA phase. I haven't seen them making out in the halls **once** these past few weeks!

But now they're acting like an old married couple and it sucks. They're always giving advice and afknkdfnlksangflkd It's dumb.

I'm kind of jealous of them, though. They never have any problems. I thought it was because they have no personal boundaries when it comes to each other, so I tried touching and cuddling and kissing and hugging Kiku all the time, but that only got me punched in the arm.

I gave up.

...

Oh, oh! Before I forget.

Well, Yong Soo told me a while ago that he still kind of liked me, which was super awkward for the both of us. But he said that he could get over it for Kiku, because he didn't want to hurt him, since he knew hurting Kiku would hurt me.

It was kind of weird being around Yong Soo for a long time because I never knew if he was over me or not...

But now everything's great! We're still really good friends and nothing's awkward at all.

He hasn't found anyone else that he likes quite yet, but he doesn't seem to mind~ He's like a constant ball of happiness ALL THE TIME.

It's crazy.

...

Well...

I guess this is the end.

I only have like... twelve more lines to write on in you, diary!

I'm glad Kiku made me write in you, as stupid as it was in the beginning. I guess now I can look back and read through all the crazy stuff that happened in junior year.

I think I'm actually going to MISS coming home and writing about my day in you every night.

This is very concerning.

I think I'm going to... cry!

No! Be strong, Al..

...

Okay, so anyway... It's been fun, diary. I promise to come back and read you when I get older,

and who knows?

Maybe I'll get another diary (not to replace you! Nothing could replace you~) and write in that one next year.

For now though,

Alfred out!

* * *

_[author's notes.]_

_Had to post this before I put it off and forgot about it entirely!_

_Um, so this is it, guys! Thanks for pulling through all the way to the end, through thick and thin, and updates and no updates. This was all for you! I never would have made it past the first few chapters if it wasn't for all the surprisingly positive feedback, xo._

_I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted._


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